The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Nine

This is the ninth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-8 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the combined personages of ZZ Top though it was quickly evident that they had arrived courtesy of a wrong turning on their comeback trail. Since they were happily oblivious to The X Factor in any country, I got away completely unscathed this week – oh happy day!

The penultimate week of X Factor Australia 2011 was thematically labelled with the anything-goes “Pleasure and Pain”, a theme loaded with opportunities for superabundant puns ("it will be pain for one contestant this week and pleasure for three") and superlatives galore. It was therefore with a sense of heightened anticipation that the viewers awaited Luke Ozade’s opening gambit and were crushed by the first overwhelming pain of the night when he referred to this week’s episode simply as the semi-final. Oh sure, he repeated the term and stressed every syllable but repetition and emphasis are not the same as profuse exaggeration. It was a terrible let-down.

The contestants gamely carried on regardless of the implied down-grading of the show, with the exception of Rocky Robin who appears unaffected by anything including heavy hints and outright criticism. The judges, understandably in his case, don’t bother trying to offer anything constructive anymore. After his second song, which involved capering about like a jester-in-training from one sub-set to another and his almost overbalancing near the ‘spa’, he provided the judges with a ready-made distraction when he discarded his shirt. Thankful that they would not be required to judge the actual performance at all, the judges obligingly confined their comments to his physique and related issues, one of which was Rocky’s ambition to win a part on Home and Away, his reason for entering X Factor in the first place. Mel B drew Luke Ozade, who himself had failed to be re-signed by the soapy, into this part of the conversation, thereby subtly reminding him, and the viewers, of his abortive acting career, possibly in revenge for his reminding her that she was the first to lose all her contestants. So, at this crucial stage of the competition, Mel B and Luke Ozade are now one-all.

The other three contestants are the serious contenders. Ozzie Dadd had two goes at the pain part of the theme when he suffered from an incomprehensible song choice in his first performance but came back strongly with his rendition of Burn For You. Rocken Roller got up close and impersonal with the audience and avowed that he took criticism well despite all video evidence to the contrary. UN-3 provided audiences with the two most outstanding performances of the night both visually and vocally which, given Australian audience reaction to excellence (excellence happens to other nationalities) will probably go against them. Judges’ and mentors’ comments reflected various degrees of praise and pride with Dadd being the only one to receive any significant criticism – would this bring to an abrupt end his seamless record of no bottom two appearances?

The penultimate results show began uncharacteristically with the four remaining acts allowed to present a group performance without it being a mere support for one of the guest acts. Happily for Rocky and Rocken, group performances do not count against them in any way and the show quickly moved to a guest spot followed by the shepherding of all four acts onto the stage with their mentors in tow. No order particular in, Luke Ozade took painful pauses to the pinnacle of impatience in reading out the first two safe names: Ozzie Dadd and... Rocky Robin? Oh well, Australians are known for enjoying a joke, be it good, bad or mundane.

Rocken Roller and UN-3 were kept on tenterhooks for half the show which consisted of some twenty-four commercials interspersed with another couple of guest spots. Finally Luke Ozade showed them some mercy and announced UN-3 as the unlucky ones - yep, reaching the heights of excellence did them in and, with them, the last girl in the competition exited the show without even so much as an opportunity to give a farewell performance. One has to wonder at that decision but at least UN-3 didn't leave us wondering - they're the real deal alright and an international career beckons. In their interviews the following day, all three members gave equal praise to the three grand finalists, were grateful for the opportunities the show had given them and optimistic about the future. In short, they were relaxed, personable and light-hearted, the perfect guests.

Next week is Ultimate Week; the All-Male final Final; the Grand Final Parts One and Two. All twelve finalists will reunite and try to hide the fact that it is an all-male final Final, and there will be two eliminations to dread/look forward to, depending on your current fan position. One can only hope that in this, the show’s last gasp, Luke Ozade’s script writer has been directed to opportunistically load as many hyperbolic superlatives as possible onto his auto-cue or suffer brutal consequences (I'm happy to offer suggestions). Your faithful correspondent, as always, lives in hope.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Five

This is the fifth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-4 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the form of Ian Dury (in an unheralded and unlikely comeback) with a short, sharp rhythm stick (the stitches come out next week).

There were dramatic scenes at The X Factor auditorium last night as Luke Ozade read painstakingly down the list of contestants to arrive at the inevitable: the bottom two. It was a man-sized tissue occasion of highs and lows with squeals of joy from Nat B as each of her contestants was declared ‘safe’ and tears of dread anticipation from Mel B’s sole survivor as she contemplated a fate that wasn’t to be – yes, Chicky Babe was also safe and in a state of near collapse with relief.

But then, with barely enough time to recover from this roller coaster of emotions, realisation seeped from the subconscious to the conscious as judges and viewers alike stared in disbelief at the remaining two acts. How could this be, Australia? Both performances had earned standing ovations from all four judges the night before yet here they stood; the two acts with the least amount of votes! That such talent could be consigned to the bottom of the barrel organ was stark evidence indeed of the capricious irrationality of voters, and enough to have your average politician weep tears of joy.

Yo’ Mo’ Shufflin and Diggles, while light years apart in genre, do share two similarities: neither was the worst performer the night before and both attracted a substantial audience among the very very young. Brought up on a steady diet of Wake Up Jeff and Hot Potatoes, the modern, sophisticated Australian tiny has become hooked on the block colours of The Wiggles’ shirts and their signature gestures and it was a small step from there for them to be able to identify with the colourful costumes and energetic dance moves of YoMo. They also identify with the avant garde youth of Diggles because of his “zaniness”, all toddlers being naturally zany themselves.

Both appealed to the judges as well, each of whom expressed their incredulity at finding these two acts before them. Their respective mentors voted to keep their respective acts as expected while Mel B almost reluctantly voted to send Diggles home. Nat B dithered in an agony of indecision before finally choosing to send YoMo home, thereby forcing the deadlock that allowed the public to decide instead, an extraordinary decision in light of the fact that all four judges had just agreed that the voters just hadn't got it right this week.

Now it was a toss-up between the two fan bases to see which of the tiny groups still had the resources to record multiple votes on their home phones. For some, of course, mummy and daddy had received the phone bill, bloated to the GNP level of several small countries by the extravagance of devotion displayed by their offspring in previous weeks, and those tinys were now unable to bypass the new phone lock. Which of the two camps had the greater number of those tinys whose parents were as yet blissfully unaware, was anyone’s guess.

In the end, it was YoMo who were the luckless ones. They took the shuddering disappointment of their departure with a maturity of someone the sum of their ages (er, that would be someone in their mid 60s or thereabouts – arithmetic fails me at this emotional time).

In interviews the following day, the guys put on three brave faces and let their natural humour shine through. Fans posted and tweeted their dismay at their loss from the competition and everyone wished them well for the future.

Your faithful correspondent now has a scant six days to recover from this emotionally draining drama before facing up to the next electrically-charged elimination show.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Four

This is the fourth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-3 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the shape of “The Drummer” (who practises ‘body percussion’ since giving up the drum kit and taking a more lucrative position with Muscles For Hire) with his signature accessory, steel-capped drumsticks (the concussion headaches should ease in a few days’ time).

Last night shockwaves once again crashed over social networks, threatening to shred the threads on The X Factor Forum, when judges went to deadlock and the first of Ronan’s stylists was sent packing amid a storm of controversy over Mel B’s contradictory remarks. The thunder created by this storm sent judges into lockdown as they reviewed events and discussed strategies for damage control, emerging two hours later with PR-generated scripts to soothe the seething masses. There was one slight hitch, however, when Mel B was accidentally handed the wrong script and declared “Let them eat cake!”

The controversy came about when Mel B began by asserting that she would not go to deadlock but then voted to save Luce Jacket and send Flower Power home thereby apparently contradicting herself and bringing the deadlock into effect.

In her remarks, Mel B noted that while Jacket’s stitching was “not the best in the competition”, the styling had “a certain something”. She went on to praise Power’s perfect seams week after week but did not feel that the designs had the international appeal that Simon Howler was looking for. This came as a shock to fans because the night before Flower had been told that her outstanding triple stitch work would “not be out of place on the catwalks of New York’s Fashion Week”.

One of Power’s most loyal supporters bemoaned that young fans today “are so superficial – they only see the surface of the cloth, how shiny and smooth it is; they have no appreciation for really strong, outstanding stitching”. Another declared that Power was “in synch with the cyclic nature of fashion trends” in that “everything old is new again”. However, the voting public clearly had little sentiment for the good ole days (most of them not having been born then) and were more forgiving of Luce Jacket’s outlandish and impractical shoulder wings design than Power's chilled-out look. It seemed that Power failed to take into consideration the temperature change in fashions brought about by global warming over the last 50 years. Back in the 60s 'cool' was 'hip' while today 'hot' is 'now'!

In radio and morning show interviews, Flower Power said she'd chosen designs that were comfortable to wear, an important consideration, she said, when on stage. Flower vowed to continue sewing and urged fans to look out for new releases on iStyles soon.

In the aftermath of the deadlock controversy, Mel B tweeted “Confused? Possibly... not sure... maybe... whatever!” followed by Ronan who declared that he was “gutted by FP departure” and that his remaining two stylists were “totally stepping up and sewing like mad” in preparation for next week’s show.