The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Seven

This is the seventh in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-6 can be accessed from Archives (October) listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the decidedly grumpy personage of a jockey with a penchant for psychedelic silk shirts and short whips (my neighbour’s aunt’s sister’s boy, a student doctor, assures me that the welts will not be permanent and the throbbing will ease in a few days).

Week seven was Dance Week and the collective fan bases greeted the news with mixed feelings. Those of a nervous disposition feared for the non dancers among the performers, apparently under the startling misapprehension that dance week would require singing and dancing by each performer. That in the whole recorded history of music, this has never been true had little impact on them; the reality of ‘reality’ shows being that ‘fan’ relates as closely to ‘fantasy’ as it does to ‘fanatic’.

Unconvinced by Luke Ozade’s insistence that we were down to the ‘sensational six’ (bets are on for week eight to be labelled the ‘fabulous five’; week nine the ‘fantastic four’ and week ten the ‘terrific three’ though ‘tenacious trio’ is likely to be more appropriate by then), the audience hunkered down for the duration of the live show. They were not disappointed. While each could find something hopeful about their favourites, there was plenty of scope for criticism which was, as tradition dictates, led by the judges and mentors. High on The Judges’ Critique List (published in The Quintessential Guide to Judging, “Chapter 7: Talent Shows” pp 123-126, Phantom Press 1958 revised and reprinted several times) are the off-key criticisms, i.e. pitchy, flat etc (which all mean the same thing basically so it’s thoughtful of the judges/mentors to vary the words for the sake of diversity) while lower on the list are injudicious song choice, substitution of lyrics and make-up. All were given a good airing on the night thereby providing a feast to satisfy every armchair critic and general entertainment for all.

All too quickly on the heels of the live performances, the inevitable results show cast its shadow over the by-now shaking six and the race was on to see who would fall at the seventh hurdle. Would it be Rocky Robin who was nobbled yet again by his trainer... er, I mean, Mentor*... pre-race or would one of the betting favourites find themselves in the photo finish? It was a tense wait as they lined up in the stalls and waited for the off. First to bolt over the seventh hurdle was one-time Delta* performer, Rocky Robin, (whose fans had counter-administered the necessary stimulants... er, I mean, votes... to get him over the line) followed a length back by the unpredictable Media Puzzle*, Diggles, with another length to Tawrrific* Trio. It was then a much longer wait to find out exactly which two had been jostled to the back. In a Shocking* result that stopped a nation and sent bookmakers into a frenzied scrambling to cover losses, it was two of the favourites, the Might and Power* of the X Factor Cup: La belle Jeune*, Chicky Babe, and the Don Juan* of the teen set, Rocken Roller. No-one expected this!

Could it be their extensive and extravagant fan bases had failed to Think Big* when it came to this week's voting because they'd Viewed* both to be the safest bets in the race? Had they run out of Revenue*? Had they switched allegiance to Rocky Robin in the belief that he was in the more precarious position? Speculation was rife as the incandescent optimism of fans plummeted to Subzero* dread.

It was Even Stevens* as they lined up for the seventh hurdle. In heart-wrenching performances, both gave it their all before presenting themselves to the judges, none of whom had expected this and were clearly blind-sided by the result. In a display of disbelief and dismay coupled with honest sincerity, their respective mentors, Mel B and Guy, had no hesitation in declaring affection, admiration and loyalty for their protégés while the final two judges, Ronan and Natalie, agonised over their decisions. Would tactics come into play or would they be true to their integrity in their choices? Both front runners had claims to the ultimate crown though the smart bet was on Rocken by a nostril. In the end it was a Clean Sweep* to send Chicky Babe home.

The decision sent social media sites into meltdown and there was much lamenting and gnashing of teeth by Chicky Babe’s Arsenal* of fans. Luke Lum of idolthreat fame, best summed it up in a simple tweet: "It's like killing Bambi".

In the subsequent round of interviews, the bubbly Chicky Babe enthused about her X Factor experience and gained even more fans in the process. Your faithful correspondent fervently hopes that this talented and captivating young lass will find herself among the successful elite of the music world in years to come, preferably, a very few years, or months if it comes to that, weeks even...

* If readers do not, as I did, have before them a full list of Melbourne Cup winners, then it may be helpful to know that Mentor (1888), Delta (1951), Media Puzzle (2002), Tawrrific (1989), Shocking (2009), Might and Power (1997), Jeune (1994), Don Juan (1873), Think Big (1974 & 75), Viewed (2008), Revenue (1901), Subzero (1992), Even Stevens (1962), Clean Sweep (1900) and Arsenal (1886) were all on the list.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Six

This is the sixth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-5 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the imposing personage of Chopper Reed who does an impressive mash-up in the latest blue language mixed with some old favourites (have medication for the ringing in my ears and should start to recover hearing in a couple of days).

With emotions at a mid-season high for viewers, mentors and contestants alike, the juggernaut that is X Factor Australia 2011 steered a fan-battered but unwavering course into week six where it instantly hit a whirlpool of sensational comments from the judging panel in the live show. First in the firing line was popular duo, Sound and Lighting, who drew this reaction from Mel B: “Look, you’re well-named because you do have these two distinct aspects to your performance and I’m gonna comment on those. Lighting, I think you were just perfect tonight, an absolute stand-out for me but Sound, what are ya doing? You’re all over the place! Just sayin’”. Ronan followed up with, “I agree with Mel; you need to find the right balance between the backing music and vocals. At this stage of the competition every act needs to be incredible and you’re just not there yet. Get it together, guys, this show needs you and we need you to go all the way, right to the very end.” Nat and Guy reiterated these sentiments in their own comments and it was a much chastised Sound and Lighting who left the stage after muttering promises to do better.

The next revelations from the judging panel had your faithful correspondent reaching for the rewind button on the remote to check the evidence of her own ears. Now it’s expected that in every live show, each act faces just three judges plus their mentor. It’s accepted practice for mentors to heap praise upon their acts and do whatever it takes to nullify any negative criticism. Thus, when Natalie told her contestant, Bad Boy Bubba, "Yeah there's a long way to go, of course, absolutely. It was very shaky” viewers were completely unprepared. Here was a mentor breaking the unwritten, unspoken code of mentorship and actually criticising her own act! I thought it impossible but, in response, Bubba took his trademark sulky expression to new heights and even now performance art experts are discussing justification for declaring it an art form in itself.

Viewers barely had time to recover before Guy Sebastian landed yet another stunning blow on the face of mentoring tradition. In a rare moment of weakness, Guy let honesty get the better of him when confronted with his lad, Rocky Robin, after what can only be described kindly as a below par vocal performance. As the likeable lad stood before him, Guy unexpectedly declared, “Rocky, did I think you were going to nail that song when I gave it to you? No. I knew you'd drop flat and get a little bit out of control but...” and I missed what came after that – I was in shock! The show should warn viewers before telecasting such outrageous honesty! The rest of the show went by in a blur.

Then, in a plot twist any writer would be proud to claim, Nat and Guy faced off in a fight to see which of them could lose their act first. They led the voting and, in a touching display of private hope, each prematurely farewelled their respective contestants with stirring comments that were encouragingly damning. Mel B followed. She weighed up both acts and, finding each equally wanting, narrowed it down to one essential: muscles. Bubba had shown off his ‘guns’ already but Rocky had cleverly concealed his in fire-engine red leather. It was a no-brainer for Mel who, with the tantalising prospect of seeing Rocky’s ‘guns’ sometime in the not too distant future, voted to keep him and send Bubba home. Ronan, unswayed by musculature of any kind, voted for Rocky to go thus forcing the deadlock for the third week in a row.

It was a predictable result from the public. Rocky has been steadily building a loyal fan base while Bubba has been subsisting on the sympathy vote which had run its course and run out of money. Thus Natalie claimed victory over Guy who remains the only mentor left with a full team and a full workload into which he’s squeezing celebrations of his 30th today. Happy birthday, Guy.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Four

This is the fourth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-3 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the shape of “The Drummer” (who practises ‘body percussion’ since giving up the drum kit and taking a more lucrative position with Muscles For Hire) with his signature accessory, steel-capped drumsticks (the concussion headaches should ease in a few days’ time).

Last night shockwaves once again crashed over social networks, threatening to shred the threads on The X Factor Forum, when judges went to deadlock and the first of Ronan’s stylists was sent packing amid a storm of controversy over Mel B’s contradictory remarks. The thunder created by this storm sent judges into lockdown as they reviewed events and discussed strategies for damage control, emerging two hours later with PR-generated scripts to soothe the seething masses. There was one slight hitch, however, when Mel B was accidentally handed the wrong script and declared “Let them eat cake!”

The controversy came about when Mel B began by asserting that she would not go to deadlock but then voted to save Luce Jacket and send Flower Power home thereby apparently contradicting herself and bringing the deadlock into effect.

In her remarks, Mel B noted that while Jacket’s stitching was “not the best in the competition”, the styling had “a certain something”. She went on to praise Power’s perfect seams week after week but did not feel that the designs had the international appeal that Simon Howler was looking for. This came as a shock to fans because the night before Flower had been told that her outstanding triple stitch work would “not be out of place on the catwalks of New York’s Fashion Week”.

One of Power’s most loyal supporters bemoaned that young fans today “are so superficial – they only see the surface of the cloth, how shiny and smooth it is; they have no appreciation for really strong, outstanding stitching”. Another declared that Power was “in synch with the cyclic nature of fashion trends” in that “everything old is new again”. However, the voting public clearly had little sentiment for the good ole days (most of them not having been born then) and were more forgiving of Luce Jacket’s outlandish and impractical shoulder wings design than Power's chilled-out look. It seemed that Power failed to take into consideration the temperature change in fashions brought about by global warming over the last 50 years. Back in the 60s 'cool' was 'hip' while today 'hot' is 'now'!

In radio and morning show interviews, Flower Power said she'd chosen designs that were comfortable to wear, an important consideration, she said, when on stage. Flower vowed to continue sewing and urged fans to look out for new releases on iStyles soon.

In the aftermath of the deadlock controversy, Mel B tweeted “Confused? Possibly... not sure... maybe... whatever!” followed by Ronan who declared that he was “gutted by FP departure” and that his remaining two stylists were “totally stepping up and sewing like mad” in preparation for next week’s show.