The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Nine

This is the ninth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-8 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the combined personages of ZZ Top though it was quickly evident that they had arrived courtesy of a wrong turning on their comeback trail. Since they were happily oblivious to The X Factor in any country, I got away completely unscathed this week – oh happy day!

The penultimate week of X Factor Australia 2011 was thematically labelled with the anything-goes “Pleasure and Pain”, a theme loaded with opportunities for superabundant puns ("it will be pain for one contestant this week and pleasure for three") and superlatives galore. It was therefore with a sense of heightened anticipation that the viewers awaited Luke Ozade’s opening gambit and were crushed by the first overwhelming pain of the night when he referred to this week’s episode simply as the semi-final. Oh sure, he repeated the term and stressed every syllable but repetition and emphasis are not the same as profuse exaggeration. It was a terrible let-down.

The contestants gamely carried on regardless of the implied down-grading of the show, with the exception of Rocky Robin who appears unaffected by anything including heavy hints and outright criticism. The judges, understandably in his case, don’t bother trying to offer anything constructive anymore. After his second song, which involved capering about like a jester-in-training from one sub-set to another and his almost overbalancing near the ‘spa’, he provided the judges with a ready-made distraction when he discarded his shirt. Thankful that they would not be required to judge the actual performance at all, the judges obligingly confined their comments to his physique and related issues, one of which was Rocky’s ambition to win a part on Home and Away, his reason for entering X Factor in the first place. Mel B drew Luke Ozade, who himself had failed to be re-signed by the soapy, into this part of the conversation, thereby subtly reminding him, and the viewers, of his abortive acting career, possibly in revenge for his reminding her that she was the first to lose all her contestants. So, at this crucial stage of the competition, Mel B and Luke Ozade are now one-all.

The other three contestants are the serious contenders. Ozzie Dadd had two goes at the pain part of the theme when he suffered from an incomprehensible song choice in his first performance but came back strongly with his rendition of Burn For You. Rocken Roller got up close and impersonal with the audience and avowed that he took criticism well despite all video evidence to the contrary. UN-3 provided audiences with the two most outstanding performances of the night both visually and vocally which, given Australian audience reaction to excellence (excellence happens to other nationalities) will probably go against them. Judges’ and mentors’ comments reflected various degrees of praise and pride with Dadd being the only one to receive any significant criticism – would this bring to an abrupt end his seamless record of no bottom two appearances?

The penultimate results show began uncharacteristically with the four remaining acts allowed to present a group performance without it being a mere support for one of the guest acts. Happily for Rocky and Rocken, group performances do not count against them in any way and the show quickly moved to a guest spot followed by the shepherding of all four acts onto the stage with their mentors in tow. No order particular in, Luke Ozade took painful pauses to the pinnacle of impatience in reading out the first two safe names: Ozzie Dadd and... Rocky Robin? Oh well, Australians are known for enjoying a joke, be it good, bad or mundane.

Rocken Roller and UN-3 were kept on tenterhooks for half the show which consisted of some twenty-four commercials interspersed with another couple of guest spots. Finally Luke Ozade showed them some mercy and announced UN-3 as the unlucky ones - yep, reaching the heights of excellence did them in and, with them, the last girl in the competition exited the show without even so much as an opportunity to give a farewell performance. One has to wonder at that decision but at least UN-3 didn't leave us wondering - they're the real deal alright and an international career beckons. In their interviews the following day, all three members gave equal praise to the three grand finalists, were grateful for the opportunities the show had given them and optimistic about the future. In short, they were relaxed, personable and light-hearted, the perfect guests.

Next week is Ultimate Week; the All-Male final Final; the Grand Final Parts One and Two. All twelve finalists will reunite and try to hide the fact that it is an all-male final Final, and there will be two eliminations to dread/look forward to, depending on your current fan position. One can only hope that in this, the show’s last gasp, Luke Ozade’s script writer has been directed to opportunistically load as many hyperbolic superlatives as possible onto his auto-cue or suffer brutal consequences (I'm happy to offer suggestions). Your faithful correspondent, as always, lives in hope.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Eight

This is the eighth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-7 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the ghostly form of Tiny Tim wielding a ukulele and half a dozen limp tulips (multiple ear washes and very loud heavy rock music will hopefully drown out the memory in the very near future).

In a miscalculated move that was deeply disappointing to viewers across the country, this week’s performance show failed to be billed as the fantabulous five (or some variation thereof) but was instead referred to by Luke Ozade as “the pointy end” which just doesn’t have the same reality show cred. The judges were obviously badly affected by this downturn in the hyperbolic ambience and proceeded to hedge their comments in vague ramblings about what did or didn’t sound/feel right to them. This isn’t so much of a problem when performances receive praise – as far as contestants and fans are concerned, if the judges loved it, who cares why!

However, it isn’t much help when judges fail to explain why some part of a performance didn’t work for them. “I liked bits but didn’t like other bits” and "I just didn't feel your connection to the song" lack a certain something in the way of constructive criticism and what they lack is the whole ‘constructive’ aspect. If there’s always a silver lining, the only one here appeared to be that these contestants were given the opportunity to show Australia how well their facial features could register complete bafflement.

The only one to escape criticism altogether was Rocky Robin who, after eight long weeks (yes, Ronan it was week 8, not week 6 or 7), had finally given a decent all-round performance. It’s just as well. Since week 2, the judges had been struggling to find different words to express their criticism, so much so that Rocky’s mentor had, in an unprecedentedly generous and honest gesture, endeavoured to help them out in weeks 6 and 7.

The following night, Channel 7 warned viewers to expect "a shock elimination and history-making" results show – it was neither but at least it was a better effort at the kind of over-the-top phraseology we’ve come to expect than Ozade’s oft-repeated “pointy end”. That Rocky wasn’t in the bottom two managed some raised eyebrows perhaps but it was a foregone conclusion that at least one, if not two, of the other four acts would be facing the corner this week. Ronan and Guy voted as mentors while Natalie, in an agony of indecision, looked like she was about to sentence someone to death before announcing her vote to send Diggles home. Mel B, on the other hand, looked like she’d be happy to sentence several people in the studio to death before she too called on the much-loved Diggles to bid farewell to the show.

In his appearance on The Morning Show the following day, a relaxed and very dignified Diggles was fulsome in his praise of UN-3 (rather like the G8 but less political and with far greater understanding of how to work in harmony) who had beaten him in the showdown. He confidently tipped them to win but before readers pounce on this as valuable insider information, your faithful correspondent feels she should warn anyone of a gambling temperament against taking tips from those too young to place a bet themselves – they simply don’t have the same experience of losing as you do but are still invested with the innocent, wistful hope and wishful thinking that is so appealing in the young and so disastrous in gamblers.

Over the course of the last year (yes I know it’s only been 11 weeks so far but it seems longer...) Diggles has inspired a substantial and faithful following who swear they will continue to watch over him like guardian angels. With dedicated fans like these, the good news is that any prospective stalkers out there are out-numbered and out-manoeuvred from the outset.

Next week the surviving four contestants will be at the even pointier end (which by then might be upgraded to a knife-edge) from which precarious position they will each sing twice to determine whether pleasure or pain wins out in week 9’s all-encompassing theme limited only by that catalogue of songs to which The X Factor have the rights. Billed as a semi final, it will be the penultimate week for X Factor Australia and one can only hope that the hyperbole machinery will be back in overdrive for the occasion.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Seven

This is the seventh in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-6 can be accessed from Archives (October) listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the decidedly grumpy personage of a jockey with a penchant for psychedelic silk shirts and short whips (my neighbour’s aunt’s sister’s boy, a student doctor, assures me that the welts will not be permanent and the throbbing will ease in a few days).

Week seven was Dance Week and the collective fan bases greeted the news with mixed feelings. Those of a nervous disposition feared for the non dancers among the performers, apparently under the startling misapprehension that dance week would require singing and dancing by each performer. That in the whole recorded history of music, this has never been true had little impact on them; the reality of ‘reality’ shows being that ‘fan’ relates as closely to ‘fantasy’ as it does to ‘fanatic’.

Unconvinced by Luke Ozade’s insistence that we were down to the ‘sensational six’ (bets are on for week eight to be labelled the ‘fabulous five’; week nine the ‘fantastic four’ and week ten the ‘terrific three’ though ‘tenacious trio’ is likely to be more appropriate by then), the audience hunkered down for the duration of the live show. They were not disappointed. While each could find something hopeful about their favourites, there was plenty of scope for criticism which was, as tradition dictates, led by the judges and mentors. High on The Judges’ Critique List (published in The Quintessential Guide to Judging, “Chapter 7: Talent Shows” pp 123-126, Phantom Press 1958 revised and reprinted several times) are the off-key criticisms, i.e. pitchy, flat etc (which all mean the same thing basically so it’s thoughtful of the judges/mentors to vary the words for the sake of diversity) while lower on the list are injudicious song choice, substitution of lyrics and make-up. All were given a good airing on the night thereby providing a feast to satisfy every armchair critic and general entertainment for all.

All too quickly on the heels of the live performances, the inevitable results show cast its shadow over the by-now shaking six and the race was on to see who would fall at the seventh hurdle. Would it be Rocky Robin who was nobbled yet again by his trainer... er, I mean, Mentor*... pre-race or would one of the betting favourites find themselves in the photo finish? It was a tense wait as they lined up in the stalls and waited for the off. First to bolt over the seventh hurdle was one-time Delta* performer, Rocky Robin, (whose fans had counter-administered the necessary stimulants... er, I mean, votes... to get him over the line) followed a length back by the unpredictable Media Puzzle*, Diggles, with another length to Tawrrific* Trio. It was then a much longer wait to find out exactly which two had been jostled to the back. In a Shocking* result that stopped a nation and sent bookmakers into a frenzied scrambling to cover losses, it was two of the favourites, the Might and Power* of the X Factor Cup: La belle Jeune*, Chicky Babe, and the Don Juan* of the teen set, Rocken Roller. No-one expected this!

Could it be their extensive and extravagant fan bases had failed to Think Big* when it came to this week's voting because they'd Viewed* both to be the safest bets in the race? Had they run out of Revenue*? Had they switched allegiance to Rocky Robin in the belief that he was in the more precarious position? Speculation was rife as the incandescent optimism of fans plummeted to Subzero* dread.

It was Even Stevens* as they lined up for the seventh hurdle. In heart-wrenching performances, both gave it their all before presenting themselves to the judges, none of whom had expected this and were clearly blind-sided by the result. In a display of disbelief and dismay coupled with honest sincerity, their respective mentors, Mel B and Guy, had no hesitation in declaring affection, admiration and loyalty for their protégés while the final two judges, Ronan and Natalie, agonised over their decisions. Would tactics come into play or would they be true to their integrity in their choices? Both front runners had claims to the ultimate crown though the smart bet was on Rocken by a nostril. In the end it was a Clean Sweep* to send Chicky Babe home.

The decision sent social media sites into meltdown and there was much lamenting and gnashing of teeth by Chicky Babe’s Arsenal* of fans. Luke Lum of idolthreat fame, best summed it up in a simple tweet: "It's like killing Bambi".

In the subsequent round of interviews, the bubbly Chicky Babe enthused about her X Factor experience and gained even more fans in the process. Your faithful correspondent fervently hopes that this talented and captivating young lass will find herself among the successful elite of the music world in years to come, preferably, a very few years, or months if it comes to that, weeks even...

* If readers do not, as I did, have before them a full list of Melbourne Cup winners, then it may be helpful to know that Mentor (1888), Delta (1951), Media Puzzle (2002), Tawrrific (1989), Shocking (2009), Might and Power (1997), Jeune (1994), Don Juan (1873), Think Big (1974 & 75), Viewed (2008), Revenue (1901), Subzero (1992), Even Stevens (1962), Clean Sweep (1900) and Arsenal (1886) were all on the list.