X Factor Rugby – First Quarter

Catch up on X Factor Rugby - The Preliminaries here.

The crowd exploded in a roar of enthusiastic anticipation as the four teams took to the field in sub-perfect conditions last month Australian time. Between light snacks and heavy betting, Team Ronan supporters were particularly vocal, confident of reigning champion Ronan Keating winning the Championship for the second year in a row. However, while it is true that Keating is fielding the largest team – 10 members as opposed to 4 each on the other three teams (team size and composition having been determined by the traditional pre-match Two-Up challenge) – this has never been a numbers game (unless you count the betting scandal that rocked South Africa a few years ago). Certainly Team Mel B, Team Guy and Team Natalie supporters seemed oblivious to any implied disadvantage as they greeted the appearance of their teams with thunderous foot-stomping that registered a creditable 4.3 on the Richter scale.

From his position centre field, Referee Simon Howler harried players into position before blowing the whistle and setting up for the kick-off. His kick went a little astray however, bouncing off the northern goalpost onto the roof of the ACDC Grandstand and ricocheting into an overhead light. Plunged unexpectedly into sudden gloom, Team Mel B’s left-winger, Cleo, missed the start but gamely carried on once her night vision kicked in.

Team Guy’s Reece scored the first heavy tackle of the day followed in quick succession by Team Natalie’s Andrew and Team Ronan’s right-wingers, AV. Team Mel B suffered a shuddering display of nerves from the start and were barely in it until centre-forward Christina scored a bruising tackle with all the ‘in-your-face’ aggression that fans have come to know and love in X Factor Rugby.

Just before drinks, a tactical collusion between Teams Ronan, Guy and Mel B boxed in a struggling Cleo who was then taken down and out by opposing left-winger Jacqui. As the orange slices were handed round, Team Natalie ruefully contemplated the neon-bright, Sony-sponsored scoreboard: 2.1.0, one critical goal behind the rest who shared the lead with 3.1.1 each.

Back on the field again, Captain Mel B launched a premeditated attack on Team Ronan with tactics designed to isolate members of his centre-forward group, 3W, and heavy sledging of right-wingers AV with regard to their colourful team strip.

But the sensation of the quarter came when Captain Guy called foul on Team Natalie’s right-winger Mitchell for unsporting behaviour and Mitchell was shown the first yellow card of the Championship. The crowd burst into a chorus of sustained booing punctuated by several impromptu skirmishes and, as Security attempted to wrest the combatants apart, time-out was called while brickbats were cleared from the playing area and an uneasy peace declared in the stands.

Meanwhile, Team Mel B suffered the after-effects of their brutal targeting of Team Ronan, tiring all too quickly and visibly losing the plot. Their disorientation subsequently culminated in a catastrophic collision between wingers Jacqui and Tyla with the latter finally being taken down and out by her own captain. The stretcher had barely ferried off the stricken Tyla when Team Ronan left-wingers YMS risked all in an out and out attack on the flagging Jacqui. In a well-rehearsed and finely-tuned gambit, YMS swept the jaded left-winger from the field just as the whistle blew for quarter time with the scores at:

Team Guy: 9.3.3

Team Ronan: 9.3.3

Team Natalie: 6.3.2

Team Mel B: 3.3.0

Next report: X Factor Rugby – Second Quarter

X Factor Rugby – The Preliminaries

X Factor Rugby or Rugbyette as it’s known affectionately by its aficionados (literally meaning ‘little rugby’, the French suffix ‘ette’ being selected in sympathy with France’s appearance in this year’s Rugby World Cup final) is a sport which, although it has a lengthy history, has had little or no attention in its own right in mainstream media. This is a travesty and one which I am endeavouring to rectify.

While there are very broad and vague similarities in organisation and temperament to its parent sport, the rules of Rugbyette are more subtle and the scoring system quite complex. In order for this report to avoid becoming a poor man’s replica of The X Factor Rugby Book of Rules (Seventh Edition, Revised 2009), it will dispense with any complicated explanations of same and go straight to commentary. 

Australian Rugbyette received a much needed shot in the arm with the news that this year’s National Australian X Factor Rugby Championship would be played between Team Ronan, Team Mel B, Team Guy and Team Natalie. The four groups, each named after their respective captains, initially underwent a series of trials (coincidentally not dissimilar to a certain national talent show) to determine team selection. The four teams then met at a packed X Factor Arena. 

A dapper Luke Ozade, the pretty boy (there has to be one) of the on-ground commentary team, ran onto the ground and with one tap of his microphone, broke the ice on the centre square. After a few moments he was able to get the microphone working again and welcomed a huge, estimated crowd which returned the greeting with enthusiastic clapping, wolf-whistling and sign-waving. He appealed to them to refrain from violence as that “belongs on the playing field, not in the stands” and asked them to join him in welcoming the combined bands of the X-Public Servicemen’s League, X-AGT Musos Group, Retired Musicians of Daytime Talk Shows Association and Rooty Hill Mental Health Facility.

A sustained roar from the crowd greeted Ozade’s introduction of the four team captains, impressively decked out in team colours: Mel B (leopard print), Guy Sebastian (black, white and red leather), Natalie Bassingthwaighte (hot pink and ice blue) and Ronan Keating (what-were-his-stylists-thinking?).

A hush descended on the auditorium as the bands played the anthem which this year was a mash-up of Australian, UK and Irish anthems. As the last notes shivered and died in the freezing air, the team captains stepped up to their microphones to deliver the traditional acknowledgements and comments. Here’s what they had to say:

Ronan: “I don’t know who did that arrangement for you... oh you did it yourselves, right... it was interesting to say the least. When you listen back to that you’ll hear that it was very pitchy, guys, very pitchy.”

Natalie: “I wouldn’t say pitchy but you were flat in places, quite a lot of places now I come to think of it, but you look really good in your uniforms.”

Guy: “I don’t know what you guys were hearing – ‘pitchy’? ‘Flat’? It was clearly off-key, all the way through.”

Mel B: “Oh come on, you three, they were just a bit out of tune and is it any wonder in these frigid conditions? It’s enough to freeze the whatsits off any brass section. Just sayin’.”

With the traditional preliminaries concluded, the crowd wait in anticipation for the games to begin.


Next report: X Factor Rugby – First quarter

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Six

This is the sixth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-5 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the imposing personage of Chopper Reed who does an impressive mash-up in the latest blue language mixed with some old favourites (have medication for the ringing in my ears and should start to recover hearing in a couple of days).

With emotions at a mid-season high for viewers, mentors and contestants alike, the juggernaut that is X Factor Australia 2011 steered a fan-battered but unwavering course into week six where it instantly hit a whirlpool of sensational comments from the judging panel in the live show. First in the firing line was popular duo, Sound and Lighting, who drew this reaction from Mel B: “Look, you’re well-named because you do have these two distinct aspects to your performance and I’m gonna comment on those. Lighting, I think you were just perfect tonight, an absolute stand-out for me but Sound, what are ya doing? You’re all over the place! Just sayin’”. Ronan followed up with, “I agree with Mel; you need to find the right balance between the backing music and vocals. At this stage of the competition every act needs to be incredible and you’re just not there yet. Get it together, guys, this show needs you and we need you to go all the way, right to the very end.” Nat and Guy reiterated these sentiments in their own comments and it was a much chastised Sound and Lighting who left the stage after muttering promises to do better.

The next revelations from the judging panel had your faithful correspondent reaching for the rewind button on the remote to check the evidence of her own ears. Now it’s expected that in every live show, each act faces just three judges plus their mentor. It’s accepted practice for mentors to heap praise upon their acts and do whatever it takes to nullify any negative criticism. Thus, when Natalie told her contestant, Bad Boy Bubba, "Yeah there's a long way to go, of course, absolutely. It was very shaky” viewers were completely unprepared. Here was a mentor breaking the unwritten, unspoken code of mentorship and actually criticising her own act! I thought it impossible but, in response, Bubba took his trademark sulky expression to new heights and even now performance art experts are discussing justification for declaring it an art form in itself.

Viewers barely had time to recover before Guy Sebastian landed yet another stunning blow on the face of mentoring tradition. In a rare moment of weakness, Guy let honesty get the better of him when confronted with his lad, Rocky Robin, after what can only be described kindly as a below par vocal performance. As the likeable lad stood before him, Guy unexpectedly declared, “Rocky, did I think you were going to nail that song when I gave it to you? No. I knew you'd drop flat and get a little bit out of control but...” and I missed what came after that – I was in shock! The show should warn viewers before telecasting such outrageous honesty! The rest of the show went by in a blur.

Then, in a plot twist any writer would be proud to claim, Nat and Guy faced off in a fight to see which of them could lose their act first. They led the voting and, in a touching display of private hope, each prematurely farewelled their respective contestants with stirring comments that were encouragingly damning. Mel B followed. She weighed up both acts and, finding each equally wanting, narrowed it down to one essential: muscles. Bubba had shown off his ‘guns’ already but Rocky had cleverly concealed his in fire-engine red leather. It was a no-brainer for Mel who, with the tantalising prospect of seeing Rocky’s ‘guns’ sometime in the not too distant future, voted to keep him and send Bubba home. Ronan, unswayed by musculature of any kind, voted for Rocky to go thus forcing the deadlock for the third week in a row.

It was a predictable result from the public. Rocky has been steadily building a loyal fan base while Bubba has been subsisting on the sympathy vote which had run its course and run out of money. Thus Natalie claimed victory over Guy who remains the only mentor left with a full team and a full workload into which he’s squeezing celebrations of his 30th today. Happy birthday, Guy.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Five

This is the fifth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-4 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the form of Ian Dury (in an unheralded and unlikely comeback) with a short, sharp rhythm stick (the stitches come out next week).

There were dramatic scenes at The X Factor auditorium last night as Luke Ozade read painstakingly down the list of contestants to arrive at the inevitable: the bottom two. It was a man-sized tissue occasion of highs and lows with squeals of joy from Nat B as each of her contestants was declared ‘safe’ and tears of dread anticipation from Mel B’s sole survivor as she contemplated a fate that wasn’t to be – yes, Chicky Babe was also safe and in a state of near collapse with relief.

But then, with barely enough time to recover from this roller coaster of emotions, realisation seeped from the subconscious to the conscious as judges and viewers alike stared in disbelief at the remaining two acts. How could this be, Australia? Both performances had earned standing ovations from all four judges the night before yet here they stood; the two acts with the least amount of votes! That such talent could be consigned to the bottom of the barrel organ was stark evidence indeed of the capricious irrationality of voters, and enough to have your average politician weep tears of joy.

Yo’ Mo’ Shufflin and Diggles, while light years apart in genre, do share two similarities: neither was the worst performer the night before and both attracted a substantial audience among the very very young. Brought up on a steady diet of Wake Up Jeff and Hot Potatoes, the modern, sophisticated Australian tiny has become hooked on the block colours of The Wiggles’ shirts and their signature gestures and it was a small step from there for them to be able to identify with the colourful costumes and energetic dance moves of YoMo. They also identify with the avant garde youth of Diggles because of his “zaniness”, all toddlers being naturally zany themselves.

Both appealed to the judges as well, each of whom expressed their incredulity at finding these two acts before them. Their respective mentors voted to keep their respective acts as expected while Mel B almost reluctantly voted to send Diggles home. Nat B dithered in an agony of indecision before finally choosing to send YoMo home, thereby forcing the deadlock that allowed the public to decide instead, an extraordinary decision in light of the fact that all four judges had just agreed that the voters just hadn't got it right this week.

Now it was a toss-up between the two fan bases to see which of the tiny groups still had the resources to record multiple votes on their home phones. For some, of course, mummy and daddy had received the phone bill, bloated to the GNP level of several small countries by the extravagance of devotion displayed by their offspring in previous weeks, and those tinys were now unable to bypass the new phone lock. Which of the two camps had the greater number of those tinys whose parents were as yet blissfully unaware, was anyone’s guess.

In the end, it was YoMo who were the luckless ones. They took the shuddering disappointment of their departure with a maturity of someone the sum of their ages (er, that would be someone in their mid 60s or thereabouts – arithmetic fails me at this emotional time).

In interviews the following day, the guys put on three brave faces and let their natural humour shine through. Fans posted and tweeted their dismay at their loss from the competition and everyone wished them well for the future.

Your faithful correspondent now has a scant six days to recover from this emotionally draining drama before facing up to the next electrically-charged elimination show.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Four

This is the fourth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-3 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the shape of “The Drummer” (who practises ‘body percussion’ since giving up the drum kit and taking a more lucrative position with Muscles For Hire) with his signature accessory, steel-capped drumsticks (the concussion headaches should ease in a few days’ time).

Last night shockwaves once again crashed over social networks, threatening to shred the threads on The X Factor Forum, when judges went to deadlock and the first of Ronan’s stylists was sent packing amid a storm of controversy over Mel B’s contradictory remarks. The thunder created by this storm sent judges into lockdown as they reviewed events and discussed strategies for damage control, emerging two hours later with PR-generated scripts to soothe the seething masses. There was one slight hitch, however, when Mel B was accidentally handed the wrong script and declared “Let them eat cake!”

The controversy came about when Mel B began by asserting that she would not go to deadlock but then voted to save Luce Jacket and send Flower Power home thereby apparently contradicting herself and bringing the deadlock into effect.

In her remarks, Mel B noted that while Jacket’s stitching was “not the best in the competition”, the styling had “a certain something”. She went on to praise Power’s perfect seams week after week but did not feel that the designs had the international appeal that Simon Howler was looking for. This came as a shock to fans because the night before Flower had been told that her outstanding triple stitch work would “not be out of place on the catwalks of New York’s Fashion Week”.

One of Power’s most loyal supporters bemoaned that young fans today “are so superficial – they only see the surface of the cloth, how shiny and smooth it is; they have no appreciation for really strong, outstanding stitching”. Another declared that Power was “in synch with the cyclic nature of fashion trends” in that “everything old is new again”. However, the voting public clearly had little sentiment for the good ole days (most of them not having been born then) and were more forgiving of Luce Jacket’s outlandish and impractical shoulder wings design than Power's chilled-out look. It seemed that Power failed to take into consideration the temperature change in fashions brought about by global warming over the last 50 years. Back in the 60s 'cool' was 'hip' while today 'hot' is 'now'!

In radio and morning show interviews, Flower Power said she'd chosen designs that were comfortable to wear, an important consideration, she said, when on stage. Flower vowed to continue sewing and urged fans to look out for new releases on iStyles soon.

In the aftermath of the deadlock controversy, Mel B tweeted “Confused? Possibly... not sure... maybe... whatever!” followed by Ronan who declared that he was “gutted by FP departure” and that his remaining two stylists were “totally stepping up and sewing like mad” in preparation for next week’s show.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Three

This is the third in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Week one can be read here and week two here. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance, this time in the ‘person’ of Angel (featured top right) with claws at the ready (the scratches will heal eventually).

For the first time in a results show this season, the outcome was not unexpected. It was ‘third time is a curse, dammit’ for three-time, Bottom Two contestant, Blonde Piece. Mel B had saved her the week before and had justified her decision then by saying, “Hair pieces, extensions and wigs are far more versatile than a single hair colour when it comes down to it”.

This week Mel’s fellow judges out-voted her attempt to save Blonde for a third time and the likeable Piece accepted their decision tearfully but resolutely. In their remarks, judges praised her personality but were critical of hair extension placement saying that it was “too uneven”. Judge Ronan Keating’s comments that “At this level of competition, curls have to be perfect but too many of yours are just flat, really just too flat” were echoed in heavily sympathetic tones by Natalie Bassingwaighte and Guy Sebastian. Former Spice Girl Mel B countered by saying that she couldn’t understand what the other judges were thinking because, in her opinion, Blonde’s positioning of hair extensions was “near-perfect”.

In her Sunrise interview, Blonde thanked her supporters and promised them that this would not be the last they would see of hair pieces, extensions, wigs and blondes on Australian tv. She added that she was looking forward to a reunion that evening with X Factor ex room mate and fellow ex contestant, Clairol “Flaming Red” Hairdye, at the well-known Sydney venue, combination hair salon and eatery Curl Up and Dye. She also hinted at a possible collaboration on a future project tentatively titled: Blonde and Red in the P!nk. We wish her luck.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Two

This is the second in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. The first can be read here. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance at all times with a blunt musical instrument (the bruises will fade eventually).

Week 2

The bottom two this week shared the same mentor and in an unexpected move that stunned viewers, Mel B took it upon herself to avoid deadlock and choose between her two contestants. In her remarks she said: “Y’ know I luv yous both equally” then concluded by saying that beautiful hair just wasn’t enough of an X factor and voted to send Clairol “Flaming Red” Hairdye home.

Clairol held back the tears to prevent dye run while Mel B stood by in support of the stricken contestant. Mel B had been an obvious fan of Clairol’s from her very first appearance so it was a surprise to viewers when she sent her home.

While Clairol’s demise didn’t incite the kind of frenzied reaction in response to the elimination of Xtra Factor the week before, there was spirited discussion across social networks as to whether Mel B should or should not have gone to deadlock. One fan lamented “When the breeze from the stage fan blew her hair back like that, my heart skipped a beat. I know I’ll always remember that moment from the performance. I’ll really miss Clairol but will be buying her new colour-defence shampoo as soon as it’s released.”

At her Sunrise interview the following morning, the bubbly Hairdye hinted at future gigs and excitedly told viewers, “Don’t be surprised to see more red heads popping up in Home and Away!” If that includes Ray Meagher’s character, Alf, viewers won’t be merely surprised, they’ll be in shock.

Meanwhile the juggernaut that is X Factor rolls on, lighter now by two contestants, as bookmakers adjust the betting odds ahead of next week’s elimination.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week One

This is the first in a series that will be reviewing The X Factor results shows. While these reviews are based on the Australian franchise, I will be interested to learn how well they relate to franchises in other countries and invite you to comment in the box provided below.

In Australia, we have had thus far four weeks of live performances and results shows. I am, therefore, somewhat behind with my reviews but will endeavour to catch up to the show’s schedule in the next few days.

Week 1

In a move that shocked the nation, the early and outright favourite was the first to be eliminated: Xtra Factor. During voting, judges criticised Xtra Factor’s performances as being flawed from the beginning and “trying too hard to cover every angle so that it was all over the place”.

The popular performer had built a steady and enthusiastic fan base that massed onto forums, Twitter and Facebook to register their outrage and dismay. The unofficial head of their fan club, Natalie Garonzi¹, tearfully declared that she couldn’t understand how they could have been in the bottom two and that if it had gone to deadlock “they would have won for sure ‘cause I alone voted for them 1208 times.”

Xtra Factor’s mentor agreed that Ms Garonzi may well have voted alone as the problem with favourites is that everyone thinks everyone else has voted for them so there’s no need for them to spend money on voting² at such an early stage. He went on to warn the fans of remaining contestants to consider Xtra Factor’s demise as a wake-up call and urged them to take out substantial loans now in order to vote early and often for their favourites in future weeks.


Notes:
¹For those unfamiliar with the Australian version, Natalie Garonzi was the host of The Xtra Factor in 2010. Channel 7 chose not to renew the show in 2011 because of its poor ratings the year before. The show’s cancellation has elicited considerable comment across social networks.

²In Australia, viewers pay to vote at the rate of 55c per standard call with mobile calls to the 190 number charged extra. As I understand it, all profits from these calls are split between Telstra and The X Factor Australia franchise.

X Factor Frivolity

I’ve never been one for watching reality television for reasons that are too numerous to mention and because mentioning even a few of them would involve swearing. While I like the colour blue, I didn’t have blue language in mind when I designed this blog site and would not like to shatter anyone’s happy misconceptions of me.

But back to reality television; more specifically, X Factor Australia. I’m not sure now what possessed me to start watching it. I suspect it was a combination of relaxed laziness and idle curiosity; certainly no-one coerced me into staying put as the show hyped itself into a frenzied introduction filled with hyperbolic promises of the entertainment to come. Now I’m... not addicted (I could give it up any time... no, really, I could) but fascinated in spite of myself; fascinated by the contestants, by the ingenuous sincerity of their dreams and hopes, and their willingness to adapt to a complete change in routine, lifestyle and mental focus for the duration, however long that might be.

Because I’ve always liked to know what’s going on (probably a trait born out of a desire to avoid, wherever possible, any chance of embarrassing myself too much), I summoned the powers of the internet god Google and very quickly found myself on The X Factor site where I stumbled upon The X Factor forum. It was unlike any forum I had ever seen before – the thread names were different for a start and everyone was unexpectedly serious with emotions ranging from adoring and defensive to frustration and anger. Clearly, there wasn’t very much fun being had. Time for a contribution.

I scanned the threads. The first to really catch my interest was one which asked every amateur and tone-deaf enthusiast, “If you were a mentor, what advice would you give your contestants?” I like a challenge and since I possess little in the way of musical talent, this was a tough ask. I sing very badly – good pitch but absolutely woeful tone that sounds so dire even to me that when I sing along to music, I turn up the volume in order to drown myself out. I don't even listen to music all that often, unless the neighbours are having one of their backyard parties, and my entire CD collection is lost somewhere in the top and shallow-most drawer of my desk. So, having established my qualifications for the position, I began my list of helpful comments, using as my inspiration what I’d seen of X Factor judging and mentoring thus far.

Helpful mentoring advice for X Factor contestants (A list should always have a hopeful, if not wholly accurate, heading)

"I know the other judges may be a little more experienced and better qualified musically than I am but I think you’ll find I have just loads of charisma and the Australian public love me to bits so you have an edge just by being on my team!"

Song choice

"That’s right, it’s Judge’s Choice so I get to choose the music. What d'ya mean these songs are 40 years old? My parents loved this music and I loved them so deal with it!"

"Mel B said you should watch "Black-eyed Peas" but we'll do better than that, we'll get you to sing it - though why she wants to hear a song about food is beyond me..."

"What are you doing? You’re trying to convey the message of the song, I see, well so far it hasn't so much as handed me a memo."

"Rock Week, great. You'll sing a lullaby; we'll put a doll in a bassinet on stage and you can rock the thing - rock the cradle, get it? You have to be subtle in this industry."

“You only sing country music? Then you can do a country version of Thunderstruck for Rock Week. The judges like contestants to show originality.”

Costume

“This is Rock Week, not The-Thing-from-Outer-Space Week!”

“What are you wearing? I know you need all the charity you can get but that doesn’t include shopping at Vinny’s Bargain Box for your outfit.”

Stage Craft

"You know, a really good teeth whitener is a stage performer's little friend..."

"Mel B thinks it's important to connect to the music so... I know, we'll glue the music sheets to your costume, that should work."

"Hmm... overweight, tattooed, squinty-eyed, the wrong side of 50 with one leg shorter than the other – you don’t really look the part, do you? No, no, it’s alright; it’s my job to solve these little image problems. I know, you’ll stand and sing behind a paper screen and we’ll get the dancers to do all the visual work."

“I’ll just have a word with the Sound guys; get them to turn up the background music and turn down your mic. That way your fans can fantasize about how well you sing without having to deal with any actual evidence to the contrary.”

Please note that no X Factor contestant, past or present, was in any way represented in the writing of this blog. All descriptions of 'contestants' are fictitious and in no way resemble real people nor were they intended to do so. The mentor, however, has a worrying resemblance to my old grade 4 teacher...