The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Seven

This is the seventh in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-6 can be accessed from Archives (October) listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the decidedly grumpy personage of a jockey with a penchant for psychedelic silk shirts and short whips (my neighbour’s aunt’s sister’s boy, a student doctor, assures me that the welts will not be permanent and the throbbing will ease in a few days).

Week seven was Dance Week and the collective fan bases greeted the news with mixed feelings. Those of a nervous disposition feared for the non dancers among the performers, apparently under the startling misapprehension that dance week would require singing and dancing by each performer. That in the whole recorded history of music, this has never been true had little impact on them; the reality of ‘reality’ shows being that ‘fan’ relates as closely to ‘fantasy’ as it does to ‘fanatic’.

Unconvinced by Luke Ozade’s insistence that we were down to the ‘sensational six’ (bets are on for week eight to be labelled the ‘fabulous five’; week nine the ‘fantastic four’ and week ten the ‘terrific three’ though ‘tenacious trio’ is likely to be more appropriate by then), the audience hunkered down for the duration of the live show. They were not disappointed. While each could find something hopeful about their favourites, there was plenty of scope for criticism which was, as tradition dictates, led by the judges and mentors. High on The Judges’ Critique List (published in The Quintessential Guide to Judging, “Chapter 7: Talent Shows” pp 123-126, Phantom Press 1958 revised and reprinted several times) are the off-key criticisms, i.e. pitchy, flat etc (which all mean the same thing basically so it’s thoughtful of the judges/mentors to vary the words for the sake of diversity) while lower on the list are injudicious song choice, substitution of lyrics and make-up. All were given a good airing on the night thereby providing a feast to satisfy every armchair critic and general entertainment for all.

All too quickly on the heels of the live performances, the inevitable results show cast its shadow over the by-now shaking six and the race was on to see who would fall at the seventh hurdle. Would it be Rocky Robin who was nobbled yet again by his trainer... er, I mean, Mentor*... pre-race or would one of the betting favourites find themselves in the photo finish? It was a tense wait as they lined up in the stalls and waited for the off. First to bolt over the seventh hurdle was one-time Delta* performer, Rocky Robin, (whose fans had counter-administered the necessary stimulants... er, I mean, votes... to get him over the line) followed a length back by the unpredictable Media Puzzle*, Diggles, with another length to Tawrrific* Trio. It was then a much longer wait to find out exactly which two had been jostled to the back. In a Shocking* result that stopped a nation and sent bookmakers into a frenzied scrambling to cover losses, it was two of the favourites, the Might and Power* of the X Factor Cup: La belle Jeune*, Chicky Babe, and the Don Juan* of the teen set, Rocken Roller. No-one expected this!

Could it be their extensive and extravagant fan bases had failed to Think Big* when it came to this week's voting because they'd Viewed* both to be the safest bets in the race? Had they run out of Revenue*? Had they switched allegiance to Rocky Robin in the belief that he was in the more precarious position? Speculation was rife as the incandescent optimism of fans plummeted to Subzero* dread.

It was Even Stevens* as they lined up for the seventh hurdle. In heart-wrenching performances, both gave it their all before presenting themselves to the judges, none of whom had expected this and were clearly blind-sided by the result. In a display of disbelief and dismay coupled with honest sincerity, their respective mentors, Mel B and Guy, had no hesitation in declaring affection, admiration and loyalty for their protégés while the final two judges, Ronan and Natalie, agonised over their decisions. Would tactics come into play or would they be true to their integrity in their choices? Both front runners had claims to the ultimate crown though the smart bet was on Rocken by a nostril. In the end it was a Clean Sweep* to send Chicky Babe home.

The decision sent social media sites into meltdown and there was much lamenting and gnashing of teeth by Chicky Babe’s Arsenal* of fans. Luke Lum of idolthreat fame, best summed it up in a simple tweet: "It's like killing Bambi".

In the subsequent round of interviews, the bubbly Chicky Babe enthused about her X Factor experience and gained even more fans in the process. Your faithful correspondent fervently hopes that this talented and captivating young lass will find herself among the successful elite of the music world in years to come, preferably, a very few years, or months if it comes to that, weeks even...

* If readers do not, as I did, have before them a full list of Melbourne Cup winners, then it may be helpful to know that Mentor (1888), Delta (1951), Media Puzzle (2002), Tawrrific (1989), Shocking (2009), Might and Power (1997), Jeune (1994), Don Juan (1873), Think Big (1974 & 75), Viewed (2008), Revenue (1901), Subzero (1992), Even Stevens (1962), Clean Sweep (1900) and Arsenal (1886) were all on the list.