The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Eight

This is the eighth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-7 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the ghostly form of Tiny Tim wielding a ukulele and half a dozen limp tulips (multiple ear washes and very loud heavy rock music will hopefully drown out the memory in the very near future).

In a miscalculated move that was deeply disappointing to viewers across the country, this week’s performance show failed to be billed as the fantabulous five (or some variation thereof) but was instead referred to by Luke Ozade as “the pointy end” which just doesn’t have the same reality show cred. The judges were obviously badly affected by this downturn in the hyperbolic ambience and proceeded to hedge their comments in vague ramblings about what did or didn’t sound/feel right to them. This isn’t so much of a problem when performances receive praise – as far as contestants and fans are concerned, if the judges loved it, who cares why!

However, it isn’t much help when judges fail to explain why some part of a performance didn’t work for them. “I liked bits but didn’t like other bits” and "I just didn't feel your connection to the song" lack a certain something in the way of constructive criticism and what they lack is the whole ‘constructive’ aspect. If there’s always a silver lining, the only one here appeared to be that these contestants were given the opportunity to show Australia how well their facial features could register complete bafflement.

The only one to escape criticism altogether was Rocky Robin who, after eight long weeks (yes, Ronan it was week 8, not week 6 or 7), had finally given a decent all-round performance. It’s just as well. Since week 2, the judges had been struggling to find different words to express their criticism, so much so that Rocky’s mentor had, in an unprecedentedly generous and honest gesture, endeavoured to help them out in weeks 6 and 7.

The following night, Channel 7 warned viewers to expect "a shock elimination and history-making" results show – it was neither but at least it was a better effort at the kind of over-the-top phraseology we’ve come to expect than Ozade’s oft-repeated “pointy end”. That Rocky wasn’t in the bottom two managed some raised eyebrows perhaps but it was a foregone conclusion that at least one, if not two, of the other four acts would be facing the corner this week. Ronan and Guy voted as mentors while Natalie, in an agony of indecision, looked like she was about to sentence someone to death before announcing her vote to send Diggles home. Mel B, on the other hand, looked like she’d be happy to sentence several people in the studio to death before she too called on the much-loved Diggles to bid farewell to the show.

In his appearance on The Morning Show the following day, a relaxed and very dignified Diggles was fulsome in his praise of UN-3 (rather like the G8 but less political and with far greater understanding of how to work in harmony) who had beaten him in the showdown. He confidently tipped them to win but before readers pounce on this as valuable insider information, your faithful correspondent feels she should warn anyone of a gambling temperament against taking tips from those too young to place a bet themselves – they simply don’t have the same experience of losing as you do but are still invested with the innocent, wistful hope and wishful thinking that is so appealing in the young and so disastrous in gamblers.

Over the course of the last year (yes I know it’s only been 11 weeks so far but it seems longer...) Diggles has inspired a substantial and faithful following who swear they will continue to watch over him like guardian angels. With dedicated fans like these, the good news is that any prospective stalkers out there are out-numbered and out-manoeuvred from the outset.

Next week the surviving four contestants will be at the even pointier end (which by then might be upgraded to a knife-edge) from which precarious position they will each sing twice to determine whether pleasure or pain wins out in week 9’s all-encompassing theme limited only by that catalogue of songs to which The X Factor have the rights. Billed as a semi final, it will be the penultimate week for X Factor Australia and one can only hope that the hyperbole machinery will be back in overdrive for the occasion.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Six

This is the sixth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-5 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the imposing personage of Chopper Reed who does an impressive mash-up in the latest blue language mixed with some old favourites (have medication for the ringing in my ears and should start to recover hearing in a couple of days).

With emotions at a mid-season high for viewers, mentors and contestants alike, the juggernaut that is X Factor Australia 2011 steered a fan-battered but unwavering course into week six where it instantly hit a whirlpool of sensational comments from the judging panel in the live show. First in the firing line was popular duo, Sound and Lighting, who drew this reaction from Mel B: “Look, you’re well-named because you do have these two distinct aspects to your performance and I’m gonna comment on those. Lighting, I think you were just perfect tonight, an absolute stand-out for me but Sound, what are ya doing? You’re all over the place! Just sayin’”. Ronan followed up with, “I agree with Mel; you need to find the right balance between the backing music and vocals. At this stage of the competition every act needs to be incredible and you’re just not there yet. Get it together, guys, this show needs you and we need you to go all the way, right to the very end.” Nat and Guy reiterated these sentiments in their own comments and it was a much chastised Sound and Lighting who left the stage after muttering promises to do better.

The next revelations from the judging panel had your faithful correspondent reaching for the rewind button on the remote to check the evidence of her own ears. Now it’s expected that in every live show, each act faces just three judges plus their mentor. It’s accepted practice for mentors to heap praise upon their acts and do whatever it takes to nullify any negative criticism. Thus, when Natalie told her contestant, Bad Boy Bubba, "Yeah there's a long way to go, of course, absolutely. It was very shaky” viewers were completely unprepared. Here was a mentor breaking the unwritten, unspoken code of mentorship and actually criticising her own act! I thought it impossible but, in response, Bubba took his trademark sulky expression to new heights and even now performance art experts are discussing justification for declaring it an art form in itself.

Viewers barely had time to recover before Guy Sebastian landed yet another stunning blow on the face of mentoring tradition. In a rare moment of weakness, Guy let honesty get the better of him when confronted with his lad, Rocky Robin, after what can only be described kindly as a below par vocal performance. As the likeable lad stood before him, Guy unexpectedly declared, “Rocky, did I think you were going to nail that song when I gave it to you? No. I knew you'd drop flat and get a little bit out of control but...” and I missed what came after that – I was in shock! The show should warn viewers before telecasting such outrageous honesty! The rest of the show went by in a blur.

Then, in a plot twist any writer would be proud to claim, Nat and Guy faced off in a fight to see which of them could lose their act first. They led the voting and, in a touching display of private hope, each prematurely farewelled their respective contestants with stirring comments that were encouragingly damning. Mel B followed. She weighed up both acts and, finding each equally wanting, narrowed it down to one essential: muscles. Bubba had shown off his ‘guns’ already but Rocky had cleverly concealed his in fire-engine red leather. It was a no-brainer for Mel who, with the tantalising prospect of seeing Rocky’s ‘guns’ sometime in the not too distant future, voted to keep him and send Bubba home. Ronan, unswayed by musculature of any kind, voted for Rocky to go thus forcing the deadlock for the third week in a row.

It was a predictable result from the public. Rocky has been steadily building a loyal fan base while Bubba has been subsisting on the sympathy vote which had run its course and run out of money. Thus Natalie claimed victory over Guy who remains the only mentor left with a full team and a full workload into which he’s squeezing celebrations of his 30th today. Happy birthday, Guy.