The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Seven

This is the seventh in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-6 can be accessed from Archives (October) listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the decidedly grumpy personage of a jockey with a penchant for psychedelic silk shirts and short whips (my neighbour’s aunt’s sister’s boy, a student doctor, assures me that the welts will not be permanent and the throbbing will ease in a few days).

Week seven was Dance Week and the collective fan bases greeted the news with mixed feelings. Those of a nervous disposition feared for the non dancers among the performers, apparently under the startling misapprehension that dance week would require singing and dancing by each performer. That in the whole recorded history of music, this has never been true had little impact on them; the reality of ‘reality’ shows being that ‘fan’ relates as closely to ‘fantasy’ as it does to ‘fanatic’.

Unconvinced by Luke Ozade’s insistence that we were down to the ‘sensational six’ (bets are on for week eight to be labelled the ‘fabulous five’; week nine the ‘fantastic four’ and week ten the ‘terrific three’ though ‘tenacious trio’ is likely to be more appropriate by then), the audience hunkered down for the duration of the live show. They were not disappointed. While each could find something hopeful about their favourites, there was plenty of scope for criticism which was, as tradition dictates, led by the judges and mentors. High on The Judges’ Critique List (published in The Quintessential Guide to Judging, “Chapter 7: Talent Shows” pp 123-126, Phantom Press 1958 revised and reprinted several times) are the off-key criticisms, i.e. pitchy, flat etc (which all mean the same thing basically so it’s thoughtful of the judges/mentors to vary the words for the sake of diversity) while lower on the list are injudicious song choice, substitution of lyrics and make-up. All were given a good airing on the night thereby providing a feast to satisfy every armchair critic and general entertainment for all.

All too quickly on the heels of the live performances, the inevitable results show cast its shadow over the by-now shaking six and the race was on to see who would fall at the seventh hurdle. Would it be Rocky Robin who was nobbled yet again by his trainer... er, I mean, Mentor*... pre-race or would one of the betting favourites find themselves in the photo finish? It was a tense wait as they lined up in the stalls and waited for the off. First to bolt over the seventh hurdle was one-time Delta* performer, Rocky Robin, (whose fans had counter-administered the necessary stimulants... er, I mean, votes... to get him over the line) followed a length back by the unpredictable Media Puzzle*, Diggles, with another length to Tawrrific* Trio. It was then a much longer wait to find out exactly which two had been jostled to the back. In a Shocking* result that stopped a nation and sent bookmakers into a frenzied scrambling to cover losses, it was two of the favourites, the Might and Power* of the X Factor Cup: La belle Jeune*, Chicky Babe, and the Don Juan* of the teen set, Rocken Roller. No-one expected this!

Could it be their extensive and extravagant fan bases had failed to Think Big* when it came to this week's voting because they'd Viewed* both to be the safest bets in the race? Had they run out of Revenue*? Had they switched allegiance to Rocky Robin in the belief that he was in the more precarious position? Speculation was rife as the incandescent optimism of fans plummeted to Subzero* dread.

It was Even Stevens* as they lined up for the seventh hurdle. In heart-wrenching performances, both gave it their all before presenting themselves to the judges, none of whom had expected this and were clearly blind-sided by the result. In a display of disbelief and dismay coupled with honest sincerity, their respective mentors, Mel B and Guy, had no hesitation in declaring affection, admiration and loyalty for their protégés while the final two judges, Ronan and Natalie, agonised over their decisions. Would tactics come into play or would they be true to their integrity in their choices? Both front runners had claims to the ultimate crown though the smart bet was on Rocken by a nostril. In the end it was a Clean Sweep* to send Chicky Babe home.

The decision sent social media sites into meltdown and there was much lamenting and gnashing of teeth by Chicky Babe’s Arsenal* of fans. Luke Lum of idolthreat fame, best summed it up in a simple tweet: "It's like killing Bambi".

In the subsequent round of interviews, the bubbly Chicky Babe enthused about her X Factor experience and gained even more fans in the process. Your faithful correspondent fervently hopes that this talented and captivating young lass will find herself among the successful elite of the music world in years to come, preferably, a very few years, or months if it comes to that, weeks even...

* If readers do not, as I did, have before them a full list of Melbourne Cup winners, then it may be helpful to know that Mentor (1888), Delta (1951), Media Puzzle (2002), Tawrrific (1989), Shocking (2009), Might and Power (1997), Jeune (1994), Don Juan (1873), Think Big (1974 & 75), Viewed (2008), Revenue (1901), Subzero (1992), Even Stevens (1962), Clean Sweep (1900) and Arsenal (1886) were all on the list.

X Factor Rugby – First Quarter

Catch up on X Factor Rugby - The Preliminaries here.

The crowd exploded in a roar of enthusiastic anticipation as the four teams took to the field in sub-perfect conditions last month Australian time. Between light snacks and heavy betting, Team Ronan supporters were particularly vocal, confident of reigning champion Ronan Keating winning the Championship for the second year in a row. However, while it is true that Keating is fielding the largest team – 10 members as opposed to 4 each on the other three teams (team size and composition having been determined by the traditional pre-match Two-Up challenge) – this has never been a numbers game (unless you count the betting scandal that rocked South Africa a few years ago). Certainly Team Mel B, Team Guy and Team Natalie supporters seemed oblivious to any implied disadvantage as they greeted the appearance of their teams with thunderous foot-stomping that registered a creditable 4.3 on the Richter scale.

From his position centre field, Referee Simon Howler harried players into position before blowing the whistle and setting up for the kick-off. His kick went a little astray however, bouncing off the northern goalpost onto the roof of the ACDC Grandstand and ricocheting into an overhead light. Plunged unexpectedly into sudden gloom, Team Mel B’s left-winger, Cleo, missed the start but gamely carried on once her night vision kicked in.

Team Guy’s Reece scored the first heavy tackle of the day followed in quick succession by Team Natalie’s Andrew and Team Ronan’s right-wingers, AV. Team Mel B suffered a shuddering display of nerves from the start and were barely in it until centre-forward Christina scored a bruising tackle with all the ‘in-your-face’ aggression that fans have come to know and love in X Factor Rugby.

Just before drinks, a tactical collusion between Teams Ronan, Guy and Mel B boxed in a struggling Cleo who was then taken down and out by opposing left-winger Jacqui. As the orange slices were handed round, Team Natalie ruefully contemplated the neon-bright, Sony-sponsored scoreboard: 2.1.0, one critical goal behind the rest who shared the lead with 3.1.1 each.

Back on the field again, Captain Mel B launched a premeditated attack on Team Ronan with tactics designed to isolate members of his centre-forward group, 3W, and heavy sledging of right-wingers AV with regard to their colourful team strip.

But the sensation of the quarter came when Captain Guy called foul on Team Natalie’s right-winger Mitchell for unsporting behaviour and Mitchell was shown the first yellow card of the Championship. The crowd burst into a chorus of sustained booing punctuated by several impromptu skirmishes and, as Security attempted to wrest the combatants apart, time-out was called while brickbats were cleared from the playing area and an uneasy peace declared in the stands.

Meanwhile, Team Mel B suffered the after-effects of their brutal targeting of Team Ronan, tiring all too quickly and visibly losing the plot. Their disorientation subsequently culminated in a catastrophic collision between wingers Jacqui and Tyla with the latter finally being taken down and out by her own captain. The stretcher had barely ferried off the stricken Tyla when Team Ronan left-wingers YMS risked all in an out and out attack on the flagging Jacqui. In a well-rehearsed and finely-tuned gambit, YMS swept the jaded left-winger from the field just as the whistle blew for quarter time with the scores at:

Team Guy: 9.3.3

Team Ronan: 9.3.3

Team Natalie: 6.3.2

Team Mel B: 3.3.0

Next report: X Factor Rugby – Second Quarter

X Factor Rugby – The Preliminaries

X Factor Rugby or Rugbyette as it’s known affectionately by its aficionados (literally meaning ‘little rugby’, the French suffix ‘ette’ being selected in sympathy with France’s appearance in this year’s Rugby World Cup final) is a sport which, although it has a lengthy history, has had little or no attention in its own right in mainstream media. This is a travesty and one which I am endeavouring to rectify.

While there are very broad and vague similarities in organisation and temperament to its parent sport, the rules of Rugbyette are more subtle and the scoring system quite complex. In order for this report to avoid becoming a poor man’s replica of The X Factor Rugby Book of Rules (Seventh Edition, Revised 2009), it will dispense with any complicated explanations of same and go straight to commentary. 

Australian Rugbyette received a much needed shot in the arm with the news that this year’s National Australian X Factor Rugby Championship would be played between Team Ronan, Team Mel B, Team Guy and Team Natalie. The four groups, each named after their respective captains, initially underwent a series of trials (coincidentally not dissimilar to a certain national talent show) to determine team selection. The four teams then met at a packed X Factor Arena. 

A dapper Luke Ozade, the pretty boy (there has to be one) of the on-ground commentary team, ran onto the ground and with one tap of his microphone, broke the ice on the centre square. After a few moments he was able to get the microphone working again and welcomed a huge, estimated crowd which returned the greeting with enthusiastic clapping, wolf-whistling and sign-waving. He appealed to them to refrain from violence as that “belongs on the playing field, not in the stands” and asked them to join him in welcoming the combined bands of the X-Public Servicemen’s League, X-AGT Musos Group, Retired Musicians of Daytime Talk Shows Association and Rooty Hill Mental Health Facility.

A sustained roar from the crowd greeted Ozade’s introduction of the four team captains, impressively decked out in team colours: Mel B (leopard print), Guy Sebastian (black, white and red leather), Natalie Bassingthwaighte (hot pink and ice blue) and Ronan Keating (what-were-his-stylists-thinking?).

A hush descended on the auditorium as the bands played the anthem which this year was a mash-up of Australian, UK and Irish anthems. As the last notes shivered and died in the freezing air, the team captains stepped up to their microphones to deliver the traditional acknowledgements and comments. Here’s what they had to say:

Ronan: “I don’t know who did that arrangement for you... oh you did it yourselves, right... it was interesting to say the least. When you listen back to that you’ll hear that it was very pitchy, guys, very pitchy.”

Natalie: “I wouldn’t say pitchy but you were flat in places, quite a lot of places now I come to think of it, but you look really good in your uniforms.”

Guy: “I don’t know what you guys were hearing – ‘pitchy’? ‘Flat’? It was clearly off-key, all the way through.”

Mel B: “Oh come on, you three, they were just a bit out of tune and is it any wonder in these frigid conditions? It’s enough to freeze the whatsits off any brass section. Just sayin’.”

With the traditional preliminaries concluded, the crowd wait in anticipation for the games to begin.


Next report: X Factor Rugby – First quarter

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Six

This is the sixth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-5 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the imposing personage of Chopper Reed who does an impressive mash-up in the latest blue language mixed with some old favourites (have medication for the ringing in my ears and should start to recover hearing in a couple of days).

With emotions at a mid-season high for viewers, mentors and contestants alike, the juggernaut that is X Factor Australia 2011 steered a fan-battered but unwavering course into week six where it instantly hit a whirlpool of sensational comments from the judging panel in the live show. First in the firing line was popular duo, Sound and Lighting, who drew this reaction from Mel B: “Look, you’re well-named because you do have these two distinct aspects to your performance and I’m gonna comment on those. Lighting, I think you were just perfect tonight, an absolute stand-out for me but Sound, what are ya doing? You’re all over the place! Just sayin’”. Ronan followed up with, “I agree with Mel; you need to find the right balance between the backing music and vocals. At this stage of the competition every act needs to be incredible and you’re just not there yet. Get it together, guys, this show needs you and we need you to go all the way, right to the very end.” Nat and Guy reiterated these sentiments in their own comments and it was a much chastised Sound and Lighting who left the stage after muttering promises to do better.

The next revelations from the judging panel had your faithful correspondent reaching for the rewind button on the remote to check the evidence of her own ears. Now it’s expected that in every live show, each act faces just three judges plus their mentor. It’s accepted practice for mentors to heap praise upon their acts and do whatever it takes to nullify any negative criticism. Thus, when Natalie told her contestant, Bad Boy Bubba, "Yeah there's a long way to go, of course, absolutely. It was very shaky” viewers were completely unprepared. Here was a mentor breaking the unwritten, unspoken code of mentorship and actually criticising her own act! I thought it impossible but, in response, Bubba took his trademark sulky expression to new heights and even now performance art experts are discussing justification for declaring it an art form in itself.

Viewers barely had time to recover before Guy Sebastian landed yet another stunning blow on the face of mentoring tradition. In a rare moment of weakness, Guy let honesty get the better of him when confronted with his lad, Rocky Robin, after what can only be described kindly as a below par vocal performance. As the likeable lad stood before him, Guy unexpectedly declared, “Rocky, did I think you were going to nail that song when I gave it to you? No. I knew you'd drop flat and get a little bit out of control but...” and I missed what came after that – I was in shock! The show should warn viewers before telecasting such outrageous honesty! The rest of the show went by in a blur.

Then, in a plot twist any writer would be proud to claim, Nat and Guy faced off in a fight to see which of them could lose their act first. They led the voting and, in a touching display of private hope, each prematurely farewelled their respective contestants with stirring comments that were encouragingly damning. Mel B followed. She weighed up both acts and, finding each equally wanting, narrowed it down to one essential: muscles. Bubba had shown off his ‘guns’ already but Rocky had cleverly concealed his in fire-engine red leather. It was a no-brainer for Mel who, with the tantalising prospect of seeing Rocky’s ‘guns’ sometime in the not too distant future, voted to keep him and send Bubba home. Ronan, unswayed by musculature of any kind, voted for Rocky to go thus forcing the deadlock for the third week in a row.

It was a predictable result from the public. Rocky has been steadily building a loyal fan base while Bubba has been subsisting on the sympathy vote which had run its course and run out of money. Thus Natalie claimed victory over Guy who remains the only mentor left with a full team and a full workload into which he’s squeezing celebrations of his 30th today. Happy birthday, Guy.