X Factor Rugby – First Quarter

Catch up on X Factor Rugby - The Preliminaries here.

The crowd exploded in a roar of enthusiastic anticipation as the four teams took to the field in sub-perfect conditions last month Australian time. Between light snacks and heavy betting, Team Ronan supporters were particularly vocal, confident of reigning champion Ronan Keating winning the Championship for the second year in a row. However, while it is true that Keating is fielding the largest team – 10 members as opposed to 4 each on the other three teams (team size and composition having been determined by the traditional pre-match Two-Up challenge) – this has never been a numbers game (unless you count the betting scandal that rocked South Africa a few years ago). Certainly Team Mel B, Team Guy and Team Natalie supporters seemed oblivious to any implied disadvantage as they greeted the appearance of their teams with thunderous foot-stomping that registered a creditable 4.3 on the Richter scale.

From his position centre field, Referee Simon Howler harried players into position before blowing the whistle and setting up for the kick-off. His kick went a little astray however, bouncing off the northern goalpost onto the roof of the ACDC Grandstand and ricocheting into an overhead light. Plunged unexpectedly into sudden gloom, Team Mel B’s left-winger, Cleo, missed the start but gamely carried on once her night vision kicked in.

Team Guy’s Reece scored the first heavy tackle of the day followed in quick succession by Team Natalie’s Andrew and Team Ronan’s right-wingers, AV. Team Mel B suffered a shuddering display of nerves from the start and were barely in it until centre-forward Christina scored a bruising tackle with all the ‘in-your-face’ aggression that fans have come to know and love in X Factor Rugby.

Just before drinks, a tactical collusion between Teams Ronan, Guy and Mel B boxed in a struggling Cleo who was then taken down and out by opposing left-winger Jacqui. As the orange slices were handed round, Team Natalie ruefully contemplated the neon-bright, Sony-sponsored scoreboard: 2.1.0, one critical goal behind the rest who shared the lead with 3.1.1 each.

Back on the field again, Captain Mel B launched a premeditated attack on Team Ronan with tactics designed to isolate members of his centre-forward group, 3W, and heavy sledging of right-wingers AV with regard to their colourful team strip.

But the sensation of the quarter came when Captain Guy called foul on Team Natalie’s right-winger Mitchell for unsporting behaviour and Mitchell was shown the first yellow card of the Championship. The crowd burst into a chorus of sustained booing punctuated by several impromptu skirmishes and, as Security attempted to wrest the combatants apart, time-out was called while brickbats were cleared from the playing area and an uneasy peace declared in the stands.

Meanwhile, Team Mel B suffered the after-effects of their brutal targeting of Team Ronan, tiring all too quickly and visibly losing the plot. Their disorientation subsequently culminated in a catastrophic collision between wingers Jacqui and Tyla with the latter finally being taken down and out by her own captain. The stretcher had barely ferried off the stricken Tyla when Team Ronan left-wingers YMS risked all in an out and out attack on the flagging Jacqui. In a well-rehearsed and finely-tuned gambit, YMS swept the jaded left-winger from the field just as the whistle blew for quarter time with the scores at:

Team Guy: 9.3.3

Team Ronan: 9.3.3

Team Natalie: 6.3.2

Team Mel B: 3.3.0

Next report: X Factor Rugby – Second Quarter