X Factor Rugby – The Preliminaries

X Factor Rugby or Rugbyette as it’s known affectionately by its aficionados (literally meaning ‘little rugby’, the French suffix ‘ette’ being selected in sympathy with France’s appearance in this year’s Rugby World Cup final) is a sport which, although it has a lengthy history, has had little or no attention in its own right in mainstream media. This is a travesty and one which I am endeavouring to rectify.

While there are very broad and vague similarities in organisation and temperament to its parent sport, the rules of Rugbyette are more subtle and the scoring system quite complex. In order for this report to avoid becoming a poor man’s replica of The X Factor Rugby Book of Rules (Seventh Edition, Revised 2009), it will dispense with any complicated explanations of same and go straight to commentary. 

Australian Rugbyette received a much needed shot in the arm with the news that this year’s National Australian X Factor Rugby Championship would be played between Team Ronan, Team Mel B, Team Guy and Team Natalie. The four groups, each named after their respective captains, initially underwent a series of trials (coincidentally not dissimilar to a certain national talent show) to determine team selection. The four teams then met at a packed X Factor Arena. 

A dapper Luke Ozade, the pretty boy (there has to be one) of the on-ground commentary team, ran onto the ground and with one tap of his microphone, broke the ice on the centre square. After a few moments he was able to get the microphone working again and welcomed a huge, estimated crowd which returned the greeting with enthusiastic clapping, wolf-whistling and sign-waving. He appealed to them to refrain from violence as that “belongs on the playing field, not in the stands” and asked them to join him in welcoming the combined bands of the X-Public Servicemen’s League, X-AGT Musos Group, Retired Musicians of Daytime Talk Shows Association and Rooty Hill Mental Health Facility.

A sustained roar from the crowd greeted Ozade’s introduction of the four team captains, impressively decked out in team colours: Mel B (leopard print), Guy Sebastian (black, white and red leather), Natalie Bassingthwaighte (hot pink and ice blue) and Ronan Keating (what-were-his-stylists-thinking?).

A hush descended on the auditorium as the bands played the anthem which this year was a mash-up of Australian, UK and Irish anthems. As the last notes shivered and died in the freezing air, the team captains stepped up to their microphones to deliver the traditional acknowledgements and comments. Here’s what they had to say:

Ronan: “I don’t know who did that arrangement for you... oh you did it yourselves, right... it was interesting to say the least. When you listen back to that you’ll hear that it was very pitchy, guys, very pitchy.”

Natalie: “I wouldn’t say pitchy but you were flat in places, quite a lot of places now I come to think of it, but you look really good in your uniforms.”

Guy: “I don’t know what you guys were hearing – ‘pitchy’? ‘Flat’? It was clearly off-key, all the way through.”

Mel B: “Oh come on, you three, they were just a bit out of tune and is it any wonder in these frigid conditions? It’s enough to freeze the whatsits off any brass section. Just sayin’.”

With the traditional preliminaries concluded, the crowd wait in anticipation for the games to begin.


Next report: X Factor Rugby – First quarter