Twelve Days of Christmas - the Grim Predicament of Appalling Presents

I’ve always had a bit of a thing about lyrics. Shoddily-written lyrics can put me off the whole song, no matter how appealing the melody. Ludicrous lyrics, on the other hand, can hold a certain fascination which brings me to this season’s subject: The Twelve Days of Christmas. Have you ever really thought about the lyrics, considered the effects of those gifts on the recipient? I have – and it’s a sobering thought.

Day 1: a partridge in a pear tree. Where I live in the tropical north of Queensland, both would expire from heat exhaustion within hours. That’s bad enough until you realise that a partridge and its accompanying pear tree is included in every one of the twelve days. This would be something of a disaster as the local council isn’t due to pick up green waste from our residential area for another two months – we could bury the bodies of the partridges but the storage of all those dead trees would be a problem.

Day 2: two turtle doves. We do have doves here, courtesy of homesick colonists no doubt, so the twenty-two of these (that’s two every day from day 2 to day 12) could be released into the wild to join with their immigrant brothers and sisters.

Day 3: three French hens. Now I can see possibilities for a deal here. I could give all thirty of them (days 3-12) to the nearby chicken farm in exchange for, say, free eggs…

Day 4: four colly birds. That’s right; it’s colly birds, not calling birds. The word ‘calling’ is a mondegreen, a misheard lyric that has survived all efforts to correct it (more about them in a later blog). Colly birds are blackbirds and we have plenty of those so all thirty-six of them (days 4-12) can go the way of the turtle doves and fly free.

Day 5: five gold rings. I always wondered why this line wasn’t golden rings as the extra syllable would fit comfortably with the rhythm of the song. But gold rings it is and, with gold prices being what they are today (I just checked), the sale of all forty (days 5-12) would bring in a very tidy sum!

Day 6: six geese a-laying. I wonder if the chicken farm down the road would accept all forty-two geese (days 6-12) as well? I’ll gift-wrap them.

Day 7: seven swans a-swimming. I trust that these would be black swans which are at least native to this country, unlike the fifty-eight introduced birds I’ve already released. If not, the Greens are going to be picketing my place in protest at the sudden and unwelcome introduction of a further forty-two (days 7-12) non-natives.

Day 8: eight maids a-milking. No! This will never do! While the backyard is fairly spacious, it would never accommodate forty cows (days 8-12) and anyway, I’m lactose-intolerant! I know, they can go to one of the cattle stations out west. The forty milk maids may be surplus to requirements though but, if they’re hell-bent on a rural vocation, they can always turn to fruit-picking; plenty of opportunities there.

Day 9: nine ladies dancing.
Day 10: ten lords a-leaping.
Day 11: eleven pipers piping.
Day 12: twelve drummers drumming.

So that’s a hundred people from the entertainment industry – thirty-six dancers (days 9-12), thirty leaping lords (days 10-12), twenty-two pipers (days 11-12) and twelve drummers. Well we can’t accommodate them all here; we only have the one spare room. Let’s see: Australia’s Got Talent is holding auditions soon so some can try their luck there; others can maybe hire themselves out for Christmas parties and the rest can busk their way around the country in the working holiday of a lifetime.

Right, that seems to be it. What an exhausting Christmas! If you have a present for me, save it for next year – unless it’s alcohol; I could do with a good stiff drink or several after all that!

Dreaming the Possible Dream

I’m sweet on L L Cool J. Surprisingly, it wasn’t his music but his Twitter bio that Catherine-wheeled a place into my heart. It says simply: EVERYONE DESERVES A SHOT AT GREATNESS. You can see it’s printed in caps and italics; you can feel it’s written in soul-deep passion. This is a man who sent every one of his million plus followers this tweet today: Love. This is a man who is not only living the dream but sharing the joy.

We all know about the dream. Whether you are living your dream or nurturing a secret dream, the dream is as intimate a part of us as our sweetest memory. We’ve heard every saying, quote, cliché and platitude about the dream: dream in colour, dream big, pursue your dream, believe and you will realise your dream. For each life, there is a dream and there is a journey. Singular. Solitary.

But the truth is that the journey, the striving to realise the dream, is never solitary. The six degrees of separation is a complex web of both overt and subtle connections, of cause and domino effect. As intimately individual and personalized as the dream is for each of us, the journey to realise it is peopled by friends, relatives and sometimes multitudes of people we’ve never met and will never meet. Thus, from time to time we are all a part of someone else’s dream, most times unknowingly, sometimes by choice.

When we choose to play a part in bringing another’s dream into being, we also nudge our own dream a step closer. If seeing is believing then taking action is tangible evidence that we have the power to create reality from dreams. It’s an awesome power, with the potency to move mountains, and there’s an exquisite pleasure in being a ripple that rolls on into a tidal wave of success.

Andrew Wishart is on a journey to realise his dream and he’s gathering hearts and tributes along the way in a reality he never expected. In a few short months he’s gone from the local comfort zone of family, friends and work colleagues to centre stage and national recognition. It’s been a heady ride and this is only the beginning.

He’s gathered followers along the way not only because he’s undeniably talented but because he’s one of us. His endearing personality has a charismatic quality borne out of natural honesty, emotional sincerity and dedication to his family and his music. He sings with such power and passion that even those not partial to his genre of music acknowledge that he has a remarkable voice. This is a man who deserves his shot at greatness.

He was the runner-up in The X Factor Australia 2011 in the closest ever finish between the top two. He doesn’t begrudge Reece Mastin his win; they’re mates and you always wish the best for your mates. But neither will he stop at being second.

As did each of the final four contestants, Andrew recorded a song for Sony, a song that was written for him. Sony, however, has only released the winner’s song but that doesn’t mean Andrew’s recording will gather dust forever more. A petition was set up; a petition of which Sony Music Australia is aware and watchful. If it accrues enough names, then they will be justified in releasing Andrew’s single.

It takes but a moment of time and a smidgen of effort to be a part of the force that is realising Andrew’s dream. Sign the petition and share it on your favourite social network or pass it on by word of mouth. Wherever you are, whoever you are, be a part of it so you can point out Andrew and say “I played a part in his success”. It’s an awesome power and a very special joy.

Click on: Andrew's Petition to sign it.

Follow Andrew on Twitter: @andrew_wishart

Folow L L Cool J on Twitter @llcoolj

But most of all, follow your dreams.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Nine

This is the ninth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-8 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the combined personages of ZZ Top though it was quickly evident that they had arrived courtesy of a wrong turning on their comeback trail. Since they were happily oblivious to The X Factor in any country, I got away completely unscathed this week – oh happy day!

The penultimate week of X Factor Australia 2011 was thematically labelled with the anything-goes “Pleasure and Pain”, a theme loaded with opportunities for superabundant puns ("it will be pain for one contestant this week and pleasure for three") and superlatives galore. It was therefore with a sense of heightened anticipation that the viewers awaited Luke Ozade’s opening gambit and were crushed by the first overwhelming pain of the night when he referred to this week’s episode simply as the semi-final. Oh sure, he repeated the term and stressed every syllable but repetition and emphasis are not the same as profuse exaggeration. It was a terrible let-down.

The contestants gamely carried on regardless of the implied down-grading of the show, with the exception of Rocky Robin who appears unaffected by anything including heavy hints and outright criticism. The judges, understandably in his case, don’t bother trying to offer anything constructive anymore. After his second song, which involved capering about like a jester-in-training from one sub-set to another and his almost overbalancing near the ‘spa’, he provided the judges with a ready-made distraction when he discarded his shirt. Thankful that they would not be required to judge the actual performance at all, the judges obligingly confined their comments to his physique and related issues, one of which was Rocky’s ambition to win a part on Home and Away, his reason for entering X Factor in the first place. Mel B drew Luke Ozade, who himself had failed to be re-signed by the soapy, into this part of the conversation, thereby subtly reminding him, and the viewers, of his abortive acting career, possibly in revenge for his reminding her that she was the first to lose all her contestants. So, at this crucial stage of the competition, Mel B and Luke Ozade are now one-all.

The other three contestants are the serious contenders. Ozzie Dadd had two goes at the pain part of the theme when he suffered from an incomprehensible song choice in his first performance but came back strongly with his rendition of Burn For You. Rocken Roller got up close and impersonal with the audience and avowed that he took criticism well despite all video evidence to the contrary. UN-3 provided audiences with the two most outstanding performances of the night both visually and vocally which, given Australian audience reaction to excellence (excellence happens to other nationalities) will probably go against them. Judges’ and mentors’ comments reflected various degrees of praise and pride with Dadd being the only one to receive any significant criticism – would this bring to an abrupt end his seamless record of no bottom two appearances?

The penultimate results show began uncharacteristically with the four remaining acts allowed to present a group performance without it being a mere support for one of the guest acts. Happily for Rocky and Rocken, group performances do not count against them in any way and the show quickly moved to a guest spot followed by the shepherding of all four acts onto the stage with their mentors in tow. No order particular in, Luke Ozade took painful pauses to the pinnacle of impatience in reading out the first two safe names: Ozzie Dadd and... Rocky Robin? Oh well, Australians are known for enjoying a joke, be it good, bad or mundane.

Rocken Roller and UN-3 were kept on tenterhooks for half the show which consisted of some twenty-four commercials interspersed with another couple of guest spots. Finally Luke Ozade showed them some mercy and announced UN-3 as the unlucky ones - yep, reaching the heights of excellence did them in and, with them, the last girl in the competition exited the show without even so much as an opportunity to give a farewell performance. One has to wonder at that decision but at least UN-3 didn't leave us wondering - they're the real deal alright and an international career beckons. In their interviews the following day, all three members gave equal praise to the three grand finalists, were grateful for the opportunities the show had given them and optimistic about the future. In short, they were relaxed, personable and light-hearted, the perfect guests.

Next week is Ultimate Week; the All-Male final Final; the Grand Final Parts One and Two. All twelve finalists will reunite and try to hide the fact that it is an all-male final Final, and there will be two eliminations to dread/look forward to, depending on your current fan position. One can only hope that in this, the show’s last gasp, Luke Ozade’s script writer has been directed to opportunistically load as many hyperbolic superlatives as possible onto his auto-cue or suffer brutal consequences (I'm happy to offer suggestions). Your faithful correspondent, as always, lives in hope.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Eight

This is the eighth in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-7 can be accessed from the archives listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the ghostly form of Tiny Tim wielding a ukulele and half a dozen limp tulips (multiple ear washes and very loud heavy rock music will hopefully drown out the memory in the very near future).

In a miscalculated move that was deeply disappointing to viewers across the country, this week’s performance show failed to be billed as the fantabulous five (or some variation thereof) but was instead referred to by Luke Ozade as “the pointy end” which just doesn’t have the same reality show cred. The judges were obviously badly affected by this downturn in the hyperbolic ambience and proceeded to hedge their comments in vague ramblings about what did or didn’t sound/feel right to them. This isn’t so much of a problem when performances receive praise – as far as contestants and fans are concerned, if the judges loved it, who cares why!

However, it isn’t much help when judges fail to explain why some part of a performance didn’t work for them. “I liked bits but didn’t like other bits” and "I just didn't feel your connection to the song" lack a certain something in the way of constructive criticism and what they lack is the whole ‘constructive’ aspect. If there’s always a silver lining, the only one here appeared to be that these contestants were given the opportunity to show Australia how well their facial features could register complete bafflement.

The only one to escape criticism altogether was Rocky Robin who, after eight long weeks (yes, Ronan it was week 8, not week 6 or 7), had finally given a decent all-round performance. It’s just as well. Since week 2, the judges had been struggling to find different words to express their criticism, so much so that Rocky’s mentor had, in an unprecedentedly generous and honest gesture, endeavoured to help them out in weeks 6 and 7.

The following night, Channel 7 warned viewers to expect "a shock elimination and history-making" results show – it was neither but at least it was a better effort at the kind of over-the-top phraseology we’ve come to expect than Ozade’s oft-repeated “pointy end”. That Rocky wasn’t in the bottom two managed some raised eyebrows perhaps but it was a foregone conclusion that at least one, if not two, of the other four acts would be facing the corner this week. Ronan and Guy voted as mentors while Natalie, in an agony of indecision, looked like she was about to sentence someone to death before announcing her vote to send Diggles home. Mel B, on the other hand, looked like she’d be happy to sentence several people in the studio to death before she too called on the much-loved Diggles to bid farewell to the show.

In his appearance on The Morning Show the following day, a relaxed and very dignified Diggles was fulsome in his praise of UN-3 (rather like the G8 but less political and with far greater understanding of how to work in harmony) who had beaten him in the showdown. He confidently tipped them to win but before readers pounce on this as valuable insider information, your faithful correspondent feels she should warn anyone of a gambling temperament against taking tips from those too young to place a bet themselves – they simply don’t have the same experience of losing as you do but are still invested with the innocent, wistful hope and wishful thinking that is so appealing in the young and so disastrous in gamblers.

Over the course of the last year (yes I know it’s only been 11 weeks so far but it seems longer...) Diggles has inspired a substantial and faithful following who swear they will continue to watch over him like guardian angels. With dedicated fans like these, the good news is that any prospective stalkers out there are out-numbered and out-manoeuvred from the outset.

Next week the surviving four contestants will be at the even pointier end (which by then might be upgraded to a knife-edge) from which precarious position they will each sing twice to determine whether pleasure or pain wins out in week 9’s all-encompassing theme limited only by that catalogue of songs to which The X Factor have the rights. Billed as a semi final, it will be the penultimate week for X Factor Australia and one can only hope that the hyperbole machinery will be back in overdrive for the occasion.

The X Factor Australia Eliminations: Week Seven

This is the seventh in a series reviewing The X Factor results shows. Weeks 1-6 can be accessed from Archives (October) listed on the right. Please note that no contestant or judge/mentor was harmed in the writing of this blog. The RRSPXFCJ (Right Royal Society for the Protection of X Factor Contestants and Judges) was in attendance in the decidedly grumpy personage of a jockey with a penchant for psychedelic silk shirts and short whips (my neighbour’s aunt’s sister’s boy, a student doctor, assures me that the welts will not be permanent and the throbbing will ease in a few days).

Week seven was Dance Week and the collective fan bases greeted the news with mixed feelings. Those of a nervous disposition feared for the non dancers among the performers, apparently under the startling misapprehension that dance week would require singing and dancing by each performer. That in the whole recorded history of music, this has never been true had little impact on them; the reality of ‘reality’ shows being that ‘fan’ relates as closely to ‘fantasy’ as it does to ‘fanatic’.

Unconvinced by Luke Ozade’s insistence that we were down to the ‘sensational six’ (bets are on for week eight to be labelled the ‘fabulous five’; week nine the ‘fantastic four’ and week ten the ‘terrific three’ though ‘tenacious trio’ is likely to be more appropriate by then), the audience hunkered down for the duration of the live show. They were not disappointed. While each could find something hopeful about their favourites, there was plenty of scope for criticism which was, as tradition dictates, led by the judges and mentors. High on The Judges’ Critique List (published in The Quintessential Guide to Judging, “Chapter 7: Talent Shows” pp 123-126, Phantom Press 1958 revised and reprinted several times) are the off-key criticisms, i.e. pitchy, flat etc (which all mean the same thing basically so it’s thoughtful of the judges/mentors to vary the words for the sake of diversity) while lower on the list are injudicious song choice, substitution of lyrics and make-up. All were given a good airing on the night thereby providing a feast to satisfy every armchair critic and general entertainment for all.

All too quickly on the heels of the live performances, the inevitable results show cast its shadow over the by-now shaking six and the race was on to see who would fall at the seventh hurdle. Would it be Rocky Robin who was nobbled yet again by his trainer... er, I mean, Mentor*... pre-race or would one of the betting favourites find themselves in the photo finish? It was a tense wait as they lined up in the stalls and waited for the off. First to bolt over the seventh hurdle was one-time Delta* performer, Rocky Robin, (whose fans had counter-administered the necessary stimulants... er, I mean, votes... to get him over the line) followed a length back by the unpredictable Media Puzzle*, Diggles, with another length to Tawrrific* Trio. It was then a much longer wait to find out exactly which two had been jostled to the back. In a Shocking* result that stopped a nation and sent bookmakers into a frenzied scrambling to cover losses, it was two of the favourites, the Might and Power* of the X Factor Cup: La belle Jeune*, Chicky Babe, and the Don Juan* of the teen set, Rocken Roller. No-one expected this!

Could it be their extensive and extravagant fan bases had failed to Think Big* when it came to this week's voting because they'd Viewed* both to be the safest bets in the race? Had they run out of Revenue*? Had they switched allegiance to Rocky Robin in the belief that he was in the more precarious position? Speculation was rife as the incandescent optimism of fans plummeted to Subzero* dread.

It was Even Stevens* as they lined up for the seventh hurdle. In heart-wrenching performances, both gave it their all before presenting themselves to the judges, none of whom had expected this and were clearly blind-sided by the result. In a display of disbelief and dismay coupled with honest sincerity, their respective mentors, Mel B and Guy, had no hesitation in declaring affection, admiration and loyalty for their protégés while the final two judges, Ronan and Natalie, agonised over their decisions. Would tactics come into play or would they be true to their integrity in their choices? Both front runners had claims to the ultimate crown though the smart bet was on Rocken by a nostril. In the end it was a Clean Sweep* to send Chicky Babe home.

The decision sent social media sites into meltdown and there was much lamenting and gnashing of teeth by Chicky Babe’s Arsenal* of fans. Luke Lum of idolthreat fame, best summed it up in a simple tweet: "It's like killing Bambi".

In the subsequent round of interviews, the bubbly Chicky Babe enthused about her X Factor experience and gained even more fans in the process. Your faithful correspondent fervently hopes that this talented and captivating young lass will find herself among the successful elite of the music world in years to come, preferably, a very few years, or months if it comes to that, weeks even...

* If readers do not, as I did, have before them a full list of Melbourne Cup winners, then it may be helpful to know that Mentor (1888), Delta (1951), Media Puzzle (2002), Tawrrific (1989), Shocking (2009), Might and Power (1997), Jeune (1994), Don Juan (1873), Think Big (1974 & 75), Viewed (2008), Revenue (1901), Subzero (1992), Even Stevens (1962), Clean Sweep (1900) and Arsenal (1886) were all on the list.

X Factor Rugby – First Quarter

Catch up on X Factor Rugby - The Preliminaries here.

The crowd exploded in a roar of enthusiastic anticipation as the four teams took to the field in sub-perfect conditions last month Australian time. Between light snacks and heavy betting, Team Ronan supporters were particularly vocal, confident of reigning champion Ronan Keating winning the Championship for the second year in a row. However, while it is true that Keating is fielding the largest team – 10 members as opposed to 4 each on the other three teams (team size and composition having been determined by the traditional pre-match Two-Up challenge) – this has never been a numbers game (unless you count the betting scandal that rocked South Africa a few years ago). Certainly Team Mel B, Team Guy and Team Natalie supporters seemed oblivious to any implied disadvantage as they greeted the appearance of their teams with thunderous foot-stomping that registered a creditable 4.3 on the Richter scale.

From his position centre field, Referee Simon Howler harried players into position before blowing the whistle and setting up for the kick-off. His kick went a little astray however, bouncing off the northern goalpost onto the roof of the ACDC Grandstand and ricocheting into an overhead light. Plunged unexpectedly into sudden gloom, Team Mel B’s left-winger, Cleo, missed the start but gamely carried on once her night vision kicked in.

Team Guy’s Reece scored the first heavy tackle of the day followed in quick succession by Team Natalie’s Andrew and Team Ronan’s right-wingers, AV. Team Mel B suffered a shuddering display of nerves from the start and were barely in it until centre-forward Christina scored a bruising tackle with all the ‘in-your-face’ aggression that fans have come to know and love in X Factor Rugby.

Just before drinks, a tactical collusion between Teams Ronan, Guy and Mel B boxed in a struggling Cleo who was then taken down and out by opposing left-winger Jacqui. As the orange slices were handed round, Team Natalie ruefully contemplated the neon-bright, Sony-sponsored scoreboard: 2.1.0, one critical goal behind the rest who shared the lead with 3.1.1 each.

Back on the field again, Captain Mel B launched a premeditated attack on Team Ronan with tactics designed to isolate members of his centre-forward group, 3W, and heavy sledging of right-wingers AV with regard to their colourful team strip.

But the sensation of the quarter came when Captain Guy called foul on Team Natalie’s right-winger Mitchell for unsporting behaviour and Mitchell was shown the first yellow card of the Championship. The crowd burst into a chorus of sustained booing punctuated by several impromptu skirmishes and, as Security attempted to wrest the combatants apart, time-out was called while brickbats were cleared from the playing area and an uneasy peace declared in the stands.

Meanwhile, Team Mel B suffered the after-effects of their brutal targeting of Team Ronan, tiring all too quickly and visibly losing the plot. Their disorientation subsequently culminated in a catastrophic collision between wingers Jacqui and Tyla with the latter finally being taken down and out by her own captain. The stretcher had barely ferried off the stricken Tyla when Team Ronan left-wingers YMS risked all in an out and out attack on the flagging Jacqui. In a well-rehearsed and finely-tuned gambit, YMS swept the jaded left-winger from the field just as the whistle blew for quarter time with the scores at:

Team Guy: 9.3.3

Team Ronan: 9.3.3

Team Natalie: 6.3.2

Team Mel B: 3.3.0

Next report: X Factor Rugby – Second Quarter

X Factor Rugby – The Preliminaries

X Factor Rugby or Rugbyette as it’s known affectionately by its aficionados (literally meaning ‘little rugby’, the French suffix ‘ette’ being selected in sympathy with France’s appearance in this year’s Rugby World Cup final) is a sport which, although it has a lengthy history, has had little or no attention in its own right in mainstream media. This is a travesty and one which I am endeavouring to rectify.

While there are very broad and vague similarities in organisation and temperament to its parent sport, the rules of Rugbyette are more subtle and the scoring system quite complex. In order for this report to avoid becoming a poor man’s replica of The X Factor Rugby Book of Rules (Seventh Edition, Revised 2009), it will dispense with any complicated explanations of same and go straight to commentary. 

Australian Rugbyette received a much needed shot in the arm with the news that this year’s National Australian X Factor Rugby Championship would be played between Team Ronan, Team Mel B, Team Guy and Team Natalie. The four groups, each named after their respective captains, initially underwent a series of trials (coincidentally not dissimilar to a certain national talent show) to determine team selection. The four teams then met at a packed X Factor Arena. 

A dapper Luke Ozade, the pretty boy (there has to be one) of the on-ground commentary team, ran onto the ground and with one tap of his microphone, broke the ice on the centre square. After a few moments he was able to get the microphone working again and welcomed a huge, estimated crowd which returned the greeting with enthusiastic clapping, wolf-whistling and sign-waving. He appealed to them to refrain from violence as that “belongs on the playing field, not in the stands” and asked them to join him in welcoming the combined bands of the X-Public Servicemen’s League, X-AGT Musos Group, Retired Musicians of Daytime Talk Shows Association and Rooty Hill Mental Health Facility.

A sustained roar from the crowd greeted Ozade’s introduction of the four team captains, impressively decked out in team colours: Mel B (leopard print), Guy Sebastian (black, white and red leather), Natalie Bassingthwaighte (hot pink and ice blue) and Ronan Keating (what-were-his-stylists-thinking?).

A hush descended on the auditorium as the bands played the anthem which this year was a mash-up of Australian, UK and Irish anthems. As the last notes shivered and died in the freezing air, the team captains stepped up to their microphones to deliver the traditional acknowledgements and comments. Here’s what they had to say:

Ronan: “I don’t know who did that arrangement for you... oh you did it yourselves, right... it was interesting to say the least. When you listen back to that you’ll hear that it was very pitchy, guys, very pitchy.”

Natalie: “I wouldn’t say pitchy but you were flat in places, quite a lot of places now I come to think of it, but you look really good in your uniforms.”

Guy: “I don’t know what you guys were hearing – ‘pitchy’? ‘Flat’? It was clearly off-key, all the way through.”

Mel B: “Oh come on, you three, they were just a bit out of tune and is it any wonder in these frigid conditions? It’s enough to freeze the whatsits off any brass section. Just sayin’.”

With the traditional preliminaries concluded, the crowd wait in anticipation for the games to begin.


Next report: X Factor Rugby – First quarter