X Factor Frivolity

I’ve never been one for watching reality television for reasons that are too numerous to mention and because mentioning even a few of them would involve swearing. While I like the colour blue, I didn’t have blue language in mind when I designed this blog site and would not like to shatter anyone’s happy misconceptions of me.

But back to reality television; more specifically, X Factor Australia. I’m not sure now what possessed me to start watching it. I suspect it was a combination of relaxed laziness and idle curiosity; certainly no-one coerced me into staying put as the show hyped itself into a frenzied introduction filled with hyperbolic promises of the entertainment to come. Now I’m... not addicted (I could give it up any time... no, really, I could) but fascinated in spite of myself; fascinated by the contestants, by the ingenuous sincerity of their dreams and hopes, and their willingness to adapt to a complete change in routine, lifestyle and mental focus for the duration, however long that might be.

Because I’ve always liked to know what’s going on (probably a trait born out of a desire to avoid, wherever possible, any chance of embarrassing myself too much), I summoned the powers of the internet god Google and very quickly found myself on The X Factor site where I stumbled upon The X Factor forum. It was unlike any forum I had ever seen before – the thread names were different for a start and everyone was unexpectedly serious with emotions ranging from adoring and defensive to frustration and anger. Clearly, there wasn’t very much fun being had. Time for a contribution.

I scanned the threads. The first to really catch my interest was one which asked every amateur and tone-deaf enthusiast, “If you were a mentor, what advice would you give your contestants?” I like a challenge and since I possess little in the way of musical talent, this was a tough ask. I sing very badly – good pitch but absolutely woeful tone that sounds so dire even to me that when I sing along to music, I turn up the volume in order to drown myself out. I don't even listen to music all that often, unless the neighbours are having one of their backyard parties, and my entire CD collection is lost somewhere in the top and shallow-most drawer of my desk. So, having established my qualifications for the position, I began my list of helpful comments, using as my inspiration what I’d seen of X Factor judging and mentoring thus far.

Helpful mentoring advice for X Factor contestants (A list should always have a hopeful, if not wholly accurate, heading)

"I know the other judges may be a little more experienced and better qualified musically than I am but I think you’ll find I have just loads of charisma and the Australian public love me to bits so you have an edge just by being on my team!"

Song choice

"That’s right, it’s Judge’s Choice so I get to choose the music. What d'ya mean these songs are 40 years old? My parents loved this music and I loved them so deal with it!"

"Mel B said you should watch "Black-eyed Peas" but we'll do better than that, we'll get you to sing it - though why she wants to hear a song about food is beyond me..."

"What are you doing? You’re trying to convey the message of the song, I see, well so far it hasn't so much as handed me a memo."

"Rock Week, great. You'll sing a lullaby; we'll put a doll in a bassinet on stage and you can rock the thing - rock the cradle, get it? You have to be subtle in this industry."

“You only sing country music? Then you can do a country version of Thunderstruck for Rock Week. The judges like contestants to show originality.”

Costume

“This is Rock Week, not The-Thing-from-Outer-Space Week!”

“What are you wearing? I know you need all the charity you can get but that doesn’t include shopping at Vinny’s Bargain Box for your outfit.”

Stage Craft

"You know, a really good teeth whitener is a stage performer's little friend..."

"Mel B thinks it's important to connect to the music so... I know, we'll glue the music sheets to your costume, that should work."

"Hmm... overweight, tattooed, squinty-eyed, the wrong side of 50 with one leg shorter than the other – you don’t really look the part, do you? No, no, it’s alright; it’s my job to solve these little image problems. I know, you’ll stand and sing behind a paper screen and we’ll get the dancers to do all the visual work."

“I’ll just have a word with the Sound guys; get them to turn up the background music and turn down your mic. That way your fans can fantasize about how well you sing without having to deal with any actual evidence to the contrary.”

Please note that no X Factor contestant, past or present, was in any way represented in the writing of this blog. All descriptions of 'contestants' are fictitious and in no way resemble real people nor were they intended to do so. The mentor, however, has a worrying resemblance to my old grade 4 teacher...